VOTE FOR ME, GET FREE PIZZA

Happy Spring, Americadets! Dubsy here, and have I got some news for ya'll. See, this here year is what you call an "election year". Last time this happened, I just walked right in to the office and started working. No one said a thing! It was the easiest hiring I ever done got. This year, though, things won’t be as easy. I think I pissed a lot of people off. Especially voters. And since you need those to give off the illusion of Democracy, I gotta work extra hard to get them back. So, I got to thinking: What’s a sure-fire way to win people’s hearts?
Exactly. Free pizza.
So, I called up my old pal, superstar Mel Gibson, to see if he could hook me up with a couple of free pies. But I forgot about the pizza thing, and had this conversation instead:
Mel: Hello?
Me: Braveheart! It’s Dubsy. How the hell you doing?
Mel: Couldn’t be better, sir. And, please, just call me "Mel".
Me: Right on, Riggs. Listen, about your new movie--
Mel: You mean, The Passion Of The Christ.
Me: Yeah. Jesus Weapon 2. That one.
Mel: Uh... (sighs) okay. Whatever. Jesus Weapon 2. What about it?
Me: Well, Mad Max, I’d like you to make a movie like that about me.
Mel: I’m sorry?
Me: You heard me, Patriot. Make a movie about my life, just like that one, but without the Jews killing me. It’ll be good for reelection.
Mel: Um, well, sir, I actually have another obligation to contend with at the moment.
Me: I don’t give a Heidi Fleiss what you have! I’m the Present Tense of the You Knighted Steaks. Do you or do you not love your country?
Mel: Well, yes, but--
Me: But nothing! Listen, Melvin, I’m begging you. I need this. Things aren’t going so well for me right now. I need to get reelected, and I can’t rely on Florida again. They’re watching that state like goddamn Justice Hawks, I tell you! Justice Hawks! I got people I fired writing books saying I ain’t fighting terrorism; some "inqueery panel" wanting to ask me questions about 9/11, even though everyone knows I didn’t fly no planes into no buildings; and a Democratic opponent who looks about as alive as Weekend At Bernie’s, but is still beating the voter-pants off of me. I NEED YOUR HELP!
Mel: Okay, okay. Maybe we could get together and work on a treatment to propose to the studios.
Me: Studio, schmudio, Gibson of God. I need results, and I need ’em now. I’m running out of brown people to declare war on, and we can’t "capture" Osama until October sweeps. That’s too big a wild card to blow this early on. Cancel whatever you’re working on, and gather up the Road Warriors. I’m your next film.
Mel: (sighs) Alright. Good day to you, Mr. President.
Me: Yeehaw! You’re damn right it’s a good day. Take it easy, Maverick.
And that’s all the proof you need, boys and girls. Cash them unemployment checks, and wait in line for tickets now. Me and ol' Mel-a-noma is gonna rock your body like a Super Bowl tit! Look for The Passion Of The Me in theaters just in time for November's election. See you at the Oscars, suckers!