STRAIGHT MAN INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN AS A HOMOSEXUAL

DETROIT, MI - For years, Chris Donaldson has been the victim of drive-by attacks. People pass by in their cars and shout, \"Faggot!\" at him, most commonly when walking down the street alone at night. The attacks have occurred mostly in his hometown, and, occasionally, when traveling. But until recently, they had never occurred in another country.
Last week, while in Toronto, Donaldson was again attacked. Attacked and surprised. At home, in the States, he had grown accustomed to this behavior, and was able to pass it off as \"stupid fellow Americans\". Now, with international acclaim, he is beginning to wonder if everyone else is on to something.
\"If these people would just talk to me, they would see how much I truly appreciate the human female body,\" said Donaldson. \"I can’t understand why they think I am attracted to men; not that there would be anything wrong with that. It’s just that I’m not.\"
In a confused attempt to get to the bottom of things, Donaldson contacted an ex-girlfriend.
\"When we were dating, it seemed like he only had one thing on his mind: sex,\" said Shelly Murphy, a woman Donaldson dated for five years. \"I think the first year alone, we had sex over 1,000 times. And not once did he call me by a man\'s name, or ask me to wear men\'s clothing. If anything, he\'s a whore! But a man-whore? No. It just doesn’t make sense.\"
In an effort to promote his heterosexual tendencies, Donaldson has decided to never be caught alone at night without a shotgun and the latest edition of Penthouse.