''IT'S NOT MY FAULT.'' ''YES, IT IS, YOU STUPID FUCK.''

QUICK QUIZ: A teenager drinks too much Coors at a party, gets in his girlfriend\'s car, drives into a light post at 90 MPH, and dies. Whose fault is it?
A. The teenager.
B. The hosts of the party.
C. The brewery.
If you answered anything but \"A\", you\'re an idiot.
It\'s not rocket surgery, people. Hell, it\'s not even brain science. It\'s a little something I like to call \"personal responsibility\". Perhaps you\'ve heard of it. Although, if you’re an American, you probably haven\'t.
I know the people behind the site bigalcohol.com certainly haven\'t. These chuckleheads are trying to put the makers of alcohol out of business, the same way the whiners in this country are trying to bankrupt the tobacco companies.
And that’s hard.
In the ass.
Without the benefit of lubricant.
Not even spit.
They\'re even using the name \"Big Alcohol\". Get it? Big Alcohol? Big Tobacco? Oh, aren’t we clever.
In the fantasy world of these idiots, it’s never the drinker\'s fault that they drank too much. No, it’s the alcohol companies\' fault for making alcohol. Just like it\'s the tobacco companies\' fault for making tobacco, or the gun manufacturers\' fault for making guns, or McDonald’s fault for making their coffee too hot. You get the picture.
\"But wait, Yahweh, if Big Alcohol didn’t make the beer, people couldn’t drink it. So it has to be their fault, doesn\'t it?\"
Yeah. And if people didn’t make rope, nobody would hang themselves.
Dumbass.
(If you think that’s a stupid analogy, it’s because they have a stupid argument. They don’t deserve a better analogy.)
Well, guess what, douche bags? We tried Prohibition once. It didn’t work. Which is why our \"War On Drugs\" is such a miserable failure. People like to drink. People like to get high. And that’s never going to change. Especially not because of some bullshit lawsuit. Don’t agree? Too bad, you’re wrong.
Of course, the alcohaters aren’t the only nutbags trying to mess things up for the rest of us. Now we’ve got a bunch of low-body-fat-challenged cockmonkeys suing the fast food industry for making them super-duper-sized.
Hey, maybe they should be the ones borrowing the name \"Big\". Then they can start referring to McDonald’s as \"Big Fast Food\". Although, instead of borrowing it, they’d probably just eat it. Then they’d gain more weight, and want to sue somebody for creating the word \"Big\". Probably Webster’s.
I can’t wait to see these losers waddle onto Court TV. To say you’ll need a widescreen TV is an understatement. You’re gonna need a pano-fucking-ramic lens. And a translator, because it’s darn near impossible to understand a witness who’s trying to tell their story with a mouth full of six all-beef patties and a bucket of Special Sauce. (Of course, they\'ll skip the bun, because they’re on Atkin’s.)
Listen up, fucknuts, I’m going to try to make this as simple as possible:
If you drink too much and kill someone, it\'s your fault.
If you smoke and get cancer, it\'s your fault.
If you eat McDonald\'s every day and can\'t fit on an airplane seat, it\'s your fault.
End of story.
Potential jury members, I’m begging you. Quit awarding these idiots millions of dollars for their lack of willpower. Otherwise, we’ll wake up one morning in the not-too-distant future to learn some fat, hairy-lipped cow is suing the adult entertainment industry because her husband is watching internet porn instead of pleasuring her oceans of flesh.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s happy hour at the local titty bar. Half-price beer, half-naked chicks, and all the fried food I can shove in my fat face. Yum-fucking-ee!!!
It’d better be nonsmoking, though.