DUBYA'S CAM-PAINS

Howdy, ya\'ll. Dubsy here, typing this from my campaign tour bus. Sorry I didn’t drop ya\'ll a line last month. I was busy filming TV commercials so that you’ll elect me your president in November. I would say \"reelect\", but you didn’t really elect me in the first place, now did you?
So, why am I on a tour bus? Well, in case you ain’t heard, I’m traveling from city to city, spreading the good word about why this country needs more Bush. That means that, not only am I still doing all my president stuff, but now I have to ride a bus and talk a lot, too.
\"But, Mr. President,\" you say. \"Isn’t this exhausting for you?\"
Hell yeah, it is! My pointer fingers are tired! Those are the ones I use to press all the keyboard buttons. Laura says I should use all my fingers. Yeah... that’s a good idea. Then, when they all fall off because I type so much (typing gives you leprosy), I won’t be able to type dick! At least my way, I’ll only lose one finger on each hand!
Anyway, the tour’s been pretty cool so far. We went someplace yesterday. Not sure what the name of the place was, but I know it was in America. I really like America. Sometimes, I even think I could live there. Ol\' Ronnie Dumsfeld says I’m just a crazy dreamer. Maybe I am. Maybe I am.
Speaking of \"Ol\' War Drawers\", Dumsfeld’s got himself in a bit of a pickle, don’t he? All them soldiers playin\' \"Barbie Goes To Naked Tortureville\" with them Iraqi prisoners. Man, I know it’s wrong, but don’t tell me you didn’t laugh when you saw all them nekkid dudes piled up on each other like a man-mountain. And that lady soldier’s face? Priceless! I’ll probably have to go on TV and say how disgusted and sorry I am, and that these soldiers will be punished, and blah-yadda-blah.
Hopefully, I won’t have to do that until I get back from this tour. That’d give me some time to practice keeping a straight face. Plus, Jeffro, the bus driver, promised me that, tonight, he was gonna do donuts in the front lawn of some church we passed this morning. Hoo-wee! I can’t wait! And maybe, if my fingers don’t fall off, I’ll type another letter and tell ya\'ll all about it.
Probably not, though.
Later, masturbators.
- Dubsy
DUBYA\'S EPILOGUE
Hewwo, my fewwo Amewicads. Dubya heah. As many ub you know, I suffed some minoh wounds dis weekend while biking. Da news media wiww teww you dat I was widing my bike, deahing it up wike Eviw Kenievew! But I wanted to teww you the twude.
Yes, I was biking. But no, I did not faww. I was foahced to da gwound by tewwowists, stwipped ub my fweedom, wobbed of my gwavity. Once dey had me on da gwound, dey set fiah to my Amewican fwag, and said ouh sohdiers fight wike girhs.
Don’t wet dese tewwowists do to yoah kids what dey did to me. Keep yoah kids inside, whewe fweedom is safe!
I dank you.