HOORAY FOR TV: WAYNE'S FAVORITE COMMERCIALS

If you knew me, you\'d know that I don\'t watch much \"good\" TV; and by \"good\" I mean \"all the shit that almost everyone on Earth watches\". Seriously, I\'ve seen maybe two full episodes of Friends. There was a monkey on one, and Brad Pitt on another. That\'s it.
No, my television viewing habits are much more twisted. I watch the absolute, most bottom-of-the-barrel shit I can find. \"Like what?\" you ask? Let\'s put it this way: if it\'s not wrestling, a trashy talk show showcasing infidelity or disfigured mutants, or the ultra-fucked-up reality show Starting Over, chances are I\'m not watching it. This shit makes me feel better about my life, and, yes, I am better than everyone on those shows. (ENTER: Shit-eating grin and sigh of self-importance.)
So, what the fuck can I talk about in this column that focuses on television? Commercials! Here are a few that I love, because they are the absolute pits. Some of these might be local to us, so you may have no idea what I\'m talking about. If that\'s the case, sorry. Go back to watching Everybody Bangs Raymond.
1. Michael Hupy & Associates
This is for a law firm here in Milwaukee. If you get fucked-up, even if it\'s your fault, they\'re gonna award you millions of dollars! And it features this redhead whose eyes I want to fuck. Yes, I said I want to fuck her eyes.
2. Humana Health Insurance
This Joe Lieberman cyborg and his creepy wife of 1,000 years are talking about how great Humana is. Watch these two corpses overact and look longingly at each other. And dig the way she says, \"...\'til I made him stop!\" Ridiculous!
3. Sprint PCS Infomercial
Some dumb whore blonde and her Uncle Tom sidekick are the pits! They are, by far, the worst television on right now. How bad is it? Tony Little makes fun of them. Yeah, it\'s that bad. The painted whore tries to be the \"smart one\" of the two (yikes!), and the black guy is the big, dumb \"cool dude\". It makes me want to shove an old cell phone from the Eighties into both of their pee holes. And wait until the guy says (talking to his imaginary \"friend\" on the other line), \"What you doing? Nothing. Chilling. Making some money.\" Seriously, if there were a God, he\'d come down from Heaven and kill that motherfucker on the spot.
4. CitiBank ID Theft
These are actually good, and funny as fuck. Gold star to the person/people that made these.
5. Lamisil
Have you seen this thing?!? It\'s for toenail fungus cream, and there\'s this fucking toenail goblin (see above) that lifts the fucking toenail and crawls underneath it to infect the area beneath! HOLY FUCK! Staff Member #716 can\'t even watch this fucking thing, that\'s how bad it is. I saw him throw up into an open box of pizza when this thing first aired! When it comes on, he has to leave the room or he\'ll pass out! Dude, if that shit\'s real, if there are goblins in my shoes that can lift my fucking toenails and crawl underneath \'em, I\'m gonna cut my goddamn toes off!