KNOW YOUR ENEMIES

Good Morning, Vietnam! Dubsy here, gettin\' my write on for you fine-ass muthafuckas. And let me tell you what-- it ain\'t easy to write when the air is so thick with pre-election tension. You heard me right, Deaf Jeff: I said \"pre-election tension\". The Republicans are confident I won’t be filling out any change of address forms anytime soon, the Dumbocrats are convinced I’m leaving on a November train to Palookaville, and I’m convinced that Bruce Willis really could stop an asteroid from destroying Earth. Really! I mean in real life. I know it was just a movie. How else would that balding princess, Ben Affleck, get to make out with Liv Tyler?
What was I talking about? Oh! Right! Tension. My advisors are telling me it\'s gonna be a close race. Apparently, those stinky liberals have been working real hard to convince people I\'m a bad mother-- shut yo\' mouth! And get this: they even had a convention. A convention! Can you believe it? It was all over the news. All these hippy-dippy Dampocrats got together and gave fancy speeches about making America great, and how I’m not doing that. You don’t see me throwing a convention, telling everyone how great Republicans are. Fucking militants.
So now I have that on my back, as if Dinty Moore and his damn documentary wasn’t bad enough. It\'s a wonder I get anything done around here. God, what I wouldn’t do for simpler times; the days when I was young and didn’t have a care in the world. I remember when Baby Jeb and I would play Cowboys and Indians. Man, those were the days. I\'d make him be the Indian, because he liked to gamble. I\'d chase him around on my horse, which was actually our cleaning lady\'s broom. He\'d put her feather duster on his head, and try and chop me with the cook\'s spatula. And once I\'d capture Jeb (AKA \"Little Dumb Back\"), I’d go to our pretend saloon and celebrate with ale and floozies. But since I was only seven (and wouldn’t start drinking for another two years), I pretended my Kool-Aid was ale. And since I didn’t know any cabaret floozies, Jeb would have to play a dual role.
God... what I wouldn’t give to live those times again.
That\'s it! Forget voting. The American people already have! Let’s do away with this Republicans versus Lesser Peoples horsepucky and do us up a real fun election. I\'ll be the Cowboy, John Kerry can be an Indian, and whoever comes out on top will be the Chief Someshit! Hoo-wee! Darlita, where’s your cleaning cart? I need a broom.