SEPTEMBER IS ''NATIONAL TERRORIST MONTH''

Oops. Did I say \"terrorist\"? I meant \"preparedness\".
Regardless, September (or, as I like to call it, \"Scaretember\") has been named National Preparedness Month by the Department Of Homeland Security/Committee To Scare People Into Voting For Bush, so it seems especially fitting this month to spend some time with \"Mr. Homeland Security\", the unofficial Department spokesperson.
Q: How do you respond to allegations that this move is nothing more than a cheap election year ploy to scare the American people into reelecting President Bush?
A: Through interpretive dance. For instance, right now I am performing the Dance Of A Thousand Feet Up Your Ass. It\'s quite touching.
Q: My swarthy-looking neighbors have not accepted Jesus H. Christ as their personal Lord, Savior, and Tax Advisor. They also eat a lot of falafel and hummus. Should I turn them into your Department?
A: You just did.
Q: Is it possible for someone to be pro-choice and still support the troops?
A: No.
Q: Are all hybrid cars the work of Satan?
A: Only the smaller, Jap-built ones. Right now, the decent, God-fearing people of General Motors, in conjunction with the law-abiding corporate citizens of Halliburton, are designing a new hybrid Hummer H2 that will get an incredible 12 miles per gallon! Take that, you stupid \"What Would Jesus Drive?\" hippie pukes!
Q: Speaking of hippies, why isn\'t it legal to shoot them?
A: I don\'t want to give anything away, but trust me, after we suspend the elections... wait, I\'ve said too much.
Q: Why aren\'t all cable news networks as \"fair and balanced\" as FOX News?
A: Once we pass the Patriot Act II, they will be.
Q: Two weeks ago, my youngest boy said he wanted French toast for breakfast. Do you think it\'s okay to let him out of the basement now?
A: I\'d wait one more week.
Q: Why do Democrats hate America?
A: Better to ask, \"Why is the sky blue?\" Or, \"Why does the Pope shit in his funny hat?\" I don\'t know. They just do.
Q: Were you serious when you advised people that duct tape and plastic sheeting will save them from a terrorist attack?
A: Not only that, but buying them in large quantities will help spur the economy.
Q: My mother-in-law says that His Lordship John Ashcroft believes calico cats are a sign of Satan. Is there anyway I can convince her otherwise? I also think she went to Berkeley.
A: Is your mother-in-law June Hannin of Delaware, Ohio?
Q: Yes.
A: She won\'t be bothering you anymore.
Q: Why did you pick Scaretember to be National Preparedness Month? Since Halloween is in October, wouldn\'t that be a scarier choice?
A: As all good Republichristians know, Halloween is an evil, pagan holiday, which we do not celebrate or acknowledge. And it would take attention away from our \"October Surprise\".
Q: Is the \"October Surprise\" when you\'re planning to announce the \"capture\" of bin Laden?
A: Actually, the \"October Surprise\" was going to be suspending the elections, but that bin Laden thing\'s not a bad idea, either.
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Three.
Q: Will Britney and Justin ever get back together?
A: Perhaps, if Justin stops insisting on anal every time they have sex. The strap-on he forced Britney to wear has a tendency to chafe.
Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that Rudy Giuliani will be replacing Dick Cheney on the Republican ticket because of Cheney\'s weak heart?
A: Absolutely not. In fact, we had Vice-President Cheney\'s heart removed in early 2002 to prevent such problems.
Q: Can I bear your children?
A: No. I can hardly bear myself.
Q: Isn\'t this bit a cheap rip-off of Dave Barry\'s \"Ask Mister Language Person\"?
A: It wouldn\'t be quite so cheap if Insane Wayne actually paid any of his writers.