PURE LARD: MY PERFECT WORLD

Okay, let\'s get all the obvious stuff out; the crap anyone with a brain or conscience would say: My perfect world would have no war or pollution or pain or suffering or dangerously retarded U.S. presidents with an itchy trigger finger and no genuine morals.
Now that that\'s out of the way....
Ice cream would be good for you in my perfect world. I mean broccoli good. Ice cream would, in fact, be fat-burning and muscle-building. It’d also help one’s mental capacity. Like, if you weren’t the sharpest tack on the corkboard, eating a couple of bowls of vanilla ice cream would kick your IQ up a couple of points. A steady diet of cookies \'n\' cream or chocolate chip cookie dough a day with every meal? Bam! Honor roll, dean\'s list, bigwig type job-- whatever (depending on your station in life). Ice cream would be known as \"brain food\" instead of fish. Fuck fish. That’s right. The Surgeon General, hell, even the Surgeon Admiral would recommend you eat at least one serving of ice cream with every meal. Shangri-fucking-la-di-da, people! And don’t worry about this sweet sugar milk rotting your teeth-- ice cream would help fight gingivitis and gum disease and all that! You could brush your teeth with it in my paradise of a world! Ice cream would be good for your mind, be heart smart, and freshen breath! Imagine if eating ice cream was something to be encouraged for the intelligence and health of society... damn if that wouldn\'t be a better world!
What else? Well, TV shows would be a helluva lot better, wouldn’t they? Maybe Twin Peaks and Angel would still be on the air, and According To Jim would’ve been cancelled! Maybe in a perfect world it’d never have been made; hell, perhaps Jim Belushi wouldn’t even have a career. But I find it almost more perfect if he achieves a type of semi-stardom, gets his own show, and then has it cancelled after, like, four episodes and has to cry himself to sleep! Ha! Perfection! And you wouldn’t have to worry about The Tonight Show starring that unfunny shit-ass Jay Leno! Oh, no, no! Leno would be working the drive-thru at Burger King! Not even McDonald’s! Hell... maybe even Long John Silver\'s. Really give Leno what for.
And them computers would work consistently in my perfect world. Like, sometimes computers just fuck up or don’t work, and people go, \"Welp, that’s a computer for ya\'!\" FUCK THAT! If your car doesn’t start in the morning, you don\'t shrug that shit off, do you? No! You get hot pissed. Imagine if you turned on your TV and it just froze up on Montel as you’re flipping through the channels! You wouldn’t just shrug it off and restart it. Hell no! Because we expect certain things to work. Why not computers? All this slowing down and freezing up and just not working sometimes for any discernible reason? Uh-uh. Not in the perfect world of D.J. Kirkbride. Computers will be held up to the same high standards as CD players and refrigerators and life support machines.
Okay, I can’t get into every aspect of my perfect world, but these are just off the top of my head. More will occur to me, no doubt, but these are obviously the biggies. Am I just a big-hearted, flat-footed dreamer? Sure. But my feet aren’t that flat, because I had to wear corrective shoes as a little kid. True story. I probably wouldn’t have had to do that in my perfect world, either.