FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
How do you answer all of those letters with such selfless ease? Don’t you ever get tired of hearing about everybody\'s problems all of the time? How do you find time to unwind and relax? Have you ever considered a three-day, two-night vacation in Orlando for just $99 including hotel and airfare? Just give me a call, and I’d be happy to set something up for you.
- Vivian at Travel Source
Well, Vivian, thank you for noticing. Sometimes I do get a little tired of answering these letters, and I... hey, wait a second. Is this some sort of unsolicited advertisement? Okay, hold my breath, and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... release. Much better.
Let’s see, how to approach this... well, Vivian, I would be delighted to talk to you about my travel needs. Perhaps we could meet over a cup of coffee or at my bingo night. You know, it’s been hard to arrange travel plans or even meet people for coffee ever since I developed spontaneous bowel syndrome. You and your company sound like the kind of people who would simply brush aside any feces that happens to spray from the top of my belt-cinched jeans; my kind of people. Just give me a call at my home number and we can set something up.
Good Lord, I’ve sunken to common, sophomoric bathroom humor; maybe I do need a vacation.
Dear Franklin,
A while back, I fell prey to the curiosity of my very own mail-order bride. It all started innocently enough, you know. I’m just like any other 42-year-old man who lives in his parents\' above-garage apartment. I had been getting tired of living the wild and crazy bachelor life, so I started to think about engaging in some good, old-fashioned holy matrimony. Well, a quick search on the Internet, and before I knew it, I was picking my bride\'s hair and eye color. Man, it was so cool, just like in that Electric Grandmother movie starring Maureen Stapleton. Anyway, $14,000 and two years have passed, and I still haven’t met Agnes yet. My question is, when Agnes comes home, do you think I should carry her over the threshold, or do you think that is too old-fashioned?
Practicing leaving the toilet seat down in Boise,
- Henry Winklet
Henry, you seem like a nice enough guy, so I’m going to let you down easy. I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but Agnes isn’t... I mean... Henry, it’s time you forgot about... wait, here goes: Henry, Agnes doesn’t exist. Or what I meant to say was, Agnes doesn’t exist in the realm of our contemporary world. She isn’t concerned about trivial customs like the whole threshold bit. All she cares about is the fact that you love her and are getting her away from certain menial slavery.
Oh, hey, Henry, good news. I just called customs and it seems there were some... uh... paperwork errors, and that there is a slight holdup, but Agnes should be there any day now. She told me to tell you that you should not worry about her, and if by some off chance she doesn’t show up, you should under no circumstances kill yourself, because she would get mad, and then she wouldn’t show up at all. She also said you should look for a new wife, because she is... uh... hmmm... because she is interested in polygamy! Yes, sir, that’s right. Good old-fashioned polygamy. Looks like you landed a keeper, Henry (wink, wink), so keep an eye out. And until next time, remember my favorite saying of all-time: Franklin Furter is legally responsible, so I will not kill myself.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.