TEGAN AND SARA - SO JEALOUS

Older, wiser, and-- aw, fuck. I can’t do it with a straight face. Are these girls 12? Or are they the brilliant composers behind the earliest days of K.I.D.S. Incorporated? You know, I actually had a K.I.D.S. Incorporated vinyl LP when I was little. It was a bunch of cover tunes, because those kids really couldn’t write an original song if their spandex and lycra depended on it. It might have been my brother’s, though. I really wouldn’t admit to owning something as gay as that. I will admit to owning a Mary Lou Retton workout LP. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, that is way gayer than K.I.D.S. Incorporated.” I know. Thing is, I didn’t buy it. One of my aunts did one Christmas. No shit. Here I am, five or six years old, unwrapping this thing that is obviously a vinyl LP, only to see that little flippy-rolly troll’s smiling gold medal face. Then I realized it wasn’t an album of Mary Lou’s favorite jams. It was a workout record. A WORKOUT RECORD!!! Who the fuck buys a five-year-old boy something like this? That’s right: no one! But I got two million people a month willing to read this, and I feel a whole lot better finally getting that off my chest.

P.S. You know, I’d listen to this album a whole lot more if these two chicks started making out in front of me whenever I wanted them to. I don’t care if they are sisters.