EDDIE BOURBON, NINJA TO THE STARS: BLIND DATE - PART 3

BEFORE YOU READ THE CONCLUSION, READ PARTS ONE AND TWO FIRST.
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, opened his eyes slowly. He was having trouble focusing, and his head hurt worse than the hangover he had after Shia LaBeouf’s bar mitzvah (the less you know, the better). How the shit had they gotten the drop on him? One minute he was on his way home from a crappy blind date after expertly skipping out on the bill, the next he was being dogpiled by a bunch of foo-foo, puffy shirt-wearin\' Prince fans!
He felt sick. Nauseous. Why? Suddenly, the room rocked back and forth. He was on a boat! It was dark as shit, but he noticed a salty sea smell.
\"I’m... gonna ralph!\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars groaned to himself. Then he realized he’d slipped his mask on after the date. \"Hell! Mustn’t puke... in mask....\"
He went into a deep ninjatic trance, a higher state of being, mentally rearranging his digestive tract so as to avoid vomiting. It was an old trick his master had taught him back in \"the day\". In a matter of moments, he felt 100% better, having defeated the seasickness. Another notch in his ass-kickin\' board.
Suddenly he heard a parrot squawk from behind the door, along with some \"yars\" and \"scallywags\".
\"Fuck. My. Cock,\" sighed Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars. It was worse than he thought: pirates.
It’s a well-known fact that ninjas and pirates are like Roth Van Halen fans and Hagar Van Halen fans. Enemies. Pure and simple. Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars had tried to stay out of that bullshit, preferring to protect A-list celebs for hard cash, but apparently it’d caught up with him. The door began to open. He had to act fast! He’d heard stories about what them sick pirate fucks did to ninjas on the open seas, and he wasn’t gonna go down like that!
In walked a poofy-shirted, eyepatch-wearin\', peg-legged pirate. And behind him was... Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars’ blind date! It was all a ruse! Ho had set him up!
\"You dingy trooch!\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars barked. At least he hadn’t paid the check. Had Lisa Bonet been involved?
\"Yar,\" gurgled the drunken pirate, keys jangling loudly on his red cloth belt, \"\'tis the famous Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars.\"
\"True dat. Who the shit are you?\"
\"Pirate Jones!\" The freak bowed. \"Perhaps ye \'eard a\' me?\"
\"Nope.\"
Pirate Jones was insulted, but why would Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars know who some freaky, Disney-ride reject was? He’d bigger things on his mind, like, \"Why’d you freaks jump me?\"
\"Yer the one ninja all we pirates been after, and me caught ya\'! Yar!\"
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars was about to talk smack when something like a damn cannonball crashed through the ceiling!
\"Hiroshima!\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars exclaimed. As the cannonball-lookin\' thing began to move, it became clear it wasn’t a cannonball at all. It stood to about 4\'3\"; Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars recognized whom it was. \"What\'re you doin\', Phil?\"
Phil Collins looked at him with his giant bald head. \"Oy! You \'ad me copy of Disney\'s Tarzan cartoon on DVD, and I couldn’t get you on your cell!\"
\"Arg! What be goin\' on \'ere?\" exclaimed Pirate Jones.
That’s when Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars decided to get proactive, using his ninjatic willpower (what George Lucas called \"The Force\") to get the keys to his shackles off of Pirate Jones\' fruity sash. They flew across the room. Catching them in his right hand, he unshackled himself with his double-jointed wrist action, and then did the rest before the pirates and Phil knew what was what!
\"Let’s get this party started!\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars battle-cried.
\"Oy!\" Phil Collins joined in like the Johnny-come-lately wannabe he is.
Pirate Jones barely flinched. With a near-toothless grin, he waved his hook and in came ten scallywags. \"Ye best start mindin\' ye manners, ye scurvy dogs,\" he said cockily.
\"Phil!\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars exclaimed, \"let’s bowl!\"
\"Oy!\"
Phil hopped up in the air and assumed his cannonball pose, landing in Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars\' left hand. \"Oy, watch where ya\' put those fingers, Bourbon!\" came Phil’s muffled voice as Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars lined up the ten pirates, then bowled Phil down the room and into the dumfounded losers.
\"Strike!\" he cheered as Phil stood up, a little wobbly.
\"Yaaarrr!\" In a one-eyed rage, Pirate Jones ran at Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, and kicked him in the crotch. Little did Pirate Jones know that every part of Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars\' body was a weapon. Utilizing his penis muscle, he caught the pirate\'s peg leg and flipped him and his parrot into his blind date, knocking them all out cold.
Surrounded by unconscious pirates, Phil Collins turned to Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, and asked, \"Now what?\"
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars crossed his arms and looked at the little Cabbage Patch ex-Genesis drummer (he’d only call Peter Gabriel their singer), \"I ain’t got your Tarzan cartoon, Phil.\"
\"Oy?\"
\"I don’t even have a damn DVD player!\"
\"Oy!\"
And they had a good laugh at that one, as they steered their new pirate ship back to the mainland.