TINA PETERS' MATTERS OF THE HEART

EDITOR\'S NOTE: This month, TLC staff writer Tina Peters will be answering all the emails for Franklin Furter\'s Matters Of The Heart. The person that usually answers these emails, Franklin Furter, will be answering all the emails for The Shia Mailbag. The madness will return to normal next month.
Dear Franklin,
My physician is a big fan of yours, and he advised me to write you regarding my situation. In 1976 I retired from the plumbing business; well, actually, I was too tired to keep working full-time, so I sold the business to my brother Mort. Well, the following year my dear sweet Maddie passed on and left me to fend for myself. It was rough, but I still had my brother in my hair, and I guess he kept me entertained pretty good. Well, he did anyway, that is until he passed away last year.
Seems \'bout all my kinfolk done passed on some time ago, so I’ve been sitting around relaxing, reading a little, and watching my Red Sox lose season after season. I reckon I\'ve seen \'em lose more games than any one else that ever lived. Well, those things help me pass the time \'til the third Thursday of every month. Seems about that time my body has manufactured enough semen that I can, with some concentration and a little gumption, create an ejaculation. It’s amazing that after all these years something so inconsequential can still bring so much joy.
Well, frankly, Franklin, it’s all the joy I have left, and now my doctor is telling me my days are numbered. Seems there are some problems with my prostate, but with a little operation I would be able to extend my life by a few more years. Only problem is that my little Prince Valiant won’t be able to fight any more battles.
Like I said, my doc says you are mighty good with these kinds of situations, so I hope you can help.
Not laughing in Brookline,
- Irvin Stevens
Hey, Irvin Stevens,
Thanks for writing! I know you were totally expecting Franklin, but he’s, like, piss-drunk in the gutter, so I get to do this instead!
Now, let’s get down to business! First, that totally sucks about your pro state. I suppose this means you’ll have to retire from baseball, or go back to the farm leagues or something. At least you still have your hobbies. I mean, I don’t know a whole lot about fancy foods, but that ejaculation sure must be delicious, if it brings as much joy to your life as you say it does. Is it Cajun? I think I saw them make that on Iron Chef last week. The recipe seems pretty simple-- just semen (That’s a Jewish food, isn’t it?) and some concentrated gumption? Maybe I’ll ask my mom to make it for dinner. Or my dad. He’s a way better cook.
Anyhoo, don’t look at this whole \"no more pro state\" thing as a bad deal. Like I said, you can always fall back on the cooking or whatever.
Hope that helped,
- Tina Peters
Franklin,
I’ve been a teacher for three years now-- high school phys ed (Go, Flying Dukes!). It’s a wonderful job so far; so rewarding and fulfilling. When I started, I was a bit nervous. People warned me that my young age (23, at the time) might prevent the students from respecting me enough to invest 100% of their enthusiasm to learning. But, after three wonderful years in this profession, I can honestly say that my age was not a hindrance for them. It was, however, a hindrance for me.
You see, being so young, and even younger-looking, I’ve found myself the object of one student’s affections. And I’ll be straight with you, Mr. Furter. I, too, am enamored with her. I can’t explain it. From the moment I saw her lead our cheering squad (Go, Flying Dukes!) to an all-conference championship trophy in that cute little pleated skirt, I knew she completed me. And while I would normally condemn such a May-December-esque romance, I feel that our ages are close enough to avoid becoming the talk of the staff, students, and, dare I say it, entire city.
Am I skating on thin ice here?
Sincerely,
- Elizabeth Lippenstein, Mary Elizabeth Mastriantonio High School
Dear... Elizabeth Lippenstein?
Like, as in, Miss Lippenstein? OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD!!! I’ve so got to call Denise! She is totally going to freak! All last year, she’d tell me Miss Lippenstein was gay. She’d be like, \"Psst, Tina. Look-- Miss Lippenstein is totally undressing Lindsey with her eyes or something.\" But I was always like, \"No way! Not Miss Lippenstein. Just because she has a mullet, and a sorta moustache, and wears flannel even in August doesn’t mean she\'s a lesbo.\" OHMYGOD!!! I so owe Denise a dollar on that one.
You know, Miss L., the \"gay\" thing doesn’t gross me out, so much as the \"you liking Lindsey\" thing does. She has slimy tits!
Whatever,
- Tina Peters
PS: Miss L., you might wanna get your resume ready. In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a lot of Republicans in Waukesha.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.