FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
Why don\'t we get poisoned by our own poop? I mean, if it\'s a waste product and it\'s touching the inside of our bodies, how come we\'re not all sick?
Signed,
- Bewildered In Buffalo
Dear Bewildered,
In low levels, feces is not toxic. However, exposure over time was proven hazardous way back in, well, I can\'t remember the year exactly, but Hoover passed legislation which made it illegal for parents to not properly \"potty train\" their children. As in follywhomping.
You do know what I am talking about, Bewildered, don\'t you? The process of converting and redirecting the mass of solid waste to the easily removed and much safer liquid form. I mean, it\'s considered parental neglect if you aren\'t taught this, but schools don\'t cover it since you should already know about it by the age of two. Studies also showed an increased risk of certain diseases if one submits themselves to exposure for over 30 years. Why do you think the average life expectancy has increased so much in the last 70 years?
Look, I\'d be happy to go into this further, but this is really a column about the science of relationships, not about biology. Unless you are really just pulling my leg, you should seriously call up the Center for Disease Control and explain to them that your parents never showed you how to avoid defecating, and that you\'ve been doing it for years and need to know how to stop.
Dear Franklin,
I recently discovered that my girlfriend had stopped taking her birth control pills, but conveniently forgot to tell me. If she doesn\'t like taking the pill, that\'s fine. I\'ll wear a condom, I don\'t care. The problem is that I think she is trying to trick me into knocking her up. We have enough trouble deciding where to eat-- I don\'t think I could go through diaper changing and clothes shopping and late-night feedings and no privacy and who knows what the hell else! What should I do?
Not able to think of anything clever in Boise,
- Steve Mapleton
Well, Steve, unless you want to call up Willie Nelson, Whitney Houston, and maybe George Michael so that you guys can all start holding hands and singing \"We Are The World\", you should use my proven and easy-to-use method of birth control.
(As a precaution, you should buy one of those hats designed to hold cans of beer. Wear the hat from the moment you get home from work until the minute you go to bed. Also, convince your boss to let you do your job while sitting in a hot tub. Tell him you have a medical condition. These tips combined with my patented plan will greatly reduce your chances of conception.)
1. Always wear a condom, whether you are having intercourse or not.
2. If you are having intercourse, determine the approximate time of your climax.
3. One minute before this time, get up and go to the kitchen.
4. Remove the condom and ejaculate into the garbage disposal. Do not, I repeat, do not ejaculate into the condom and haphazardly toss it into a waste can. Accidents can happen.
5. Return to your significant other and tell them that you thought you heard a prowler or burglar (depending on the vernacular of your region).
6. Tell them that knowing they are safe from prowlers/burglars is all the satisfaction you need.
7. Assuming your significant other is satisfied, spend some time cuddling. If they are not satisfied, get on your knees and do your job. And then cuddle.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.