GODS, GUNS, GAYS, AND ABORTION

The People loved The Candidate because he stood for what was Right. He was a man of conviction, resolute regardless of dissent, never flipping nor flopping. All The People at the National Rifle Association rally believed in their man, save for one teenage girl who traveled across two red states and two blue states to see him.
She caught his eye as he delivered his speech, and he winked at her, a gesture not uncommon for The Candidate. After the speech, as he made his way through the crowd of gun-lovers, shaking hands and smiling, straight-faced agents at his sides, he eventually reached her.
\"Good to see you. Thanks for coming out,\" he said, shaking her hand, winking once more. She leaned in toward his ear.
\"I’m at the Days Inn on Highway 62.\"
\"Thank you. God bless,\" he said, nodding thoughtfully.
It hadn’t been an hour since she left the rally when she heard the affable rhythm of \"knock-kno-kno-knock-knock... knock knock\" on her door. Through the peephole, she saw him biting the inside of his cheek. He rushed in the room before she had the door half open.
\"How you doin\', sugar britches?\" he asked, taking off his cap, sunglasses, and sports coat, throwing them on a chair.
\"Not too well.\"
\"Need some moolah?\" he asked, untying his tie.
\"I wanted to talk to you about something.\"
\"All right, then. But I only got half an hour.\"
\"Why don’t you sit down?\"
The Candidate sat on the edge of the bed. The girl joined him.
\"What\'s troublin\' ya, girly?\"
\"I’m pregnant.\"
\"Okay.\" The Candidate nodded, his forehead crinkled.
\"It’s your baby.\"
The Candidate jumped off the bed.
\"Now hold on,\" he barked. \"What makes you so sure it’s mine?\"
\"Because you’re the only man I’ve ever slept with.\"
\"Ah, come on now. You’re a hooker, ain’t ya?\"
\"No. I’m not.\"
\"Yes, you are. It could be any fella’s. I’m not fallin’ for that one, honey.\"
\"No, I’m telling you, it’s yours. You are the only man I have ever slept with. I’m a lesbian.\"
\"Lesbian?\" The Candidate’s face squooshed inward with confusion.
\"Yes. God, you don’t even remember. I had been homeless for a month when you met me. My dad had kicked me out when I told him I was a lesbian. You saw me with my girlfriend downtown. You said you thought lesbians were hot, and offered us money to come back to your hotel. My girlfriend didn’t want to, but I was desperate for money. I was starving, and you said you’d pay us however much we needed. You paid to watch us, and then you paid more for just me. You refused to put on a condom.\"
The Candidate pursed his lips and nodded.
\"I remember, but I still don’t believe you.\"
\"It’s the truth.\"
\"What do you want from me?\"
\"I don’t know. My girlfriend left me when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know where else to go.\"
\"Jesus, you’re a lesbian! Don’t you have a bunch of girlfriends?\"
\"No. Just her. I loved her. You and she were the only two people I’d ever slept with. I should have never involved myself with a penis.\" The girl covered her face and sobbed. The Candidate patted her on the back.
\"Hey, now. Don’t get crazy on me, crying like that. You’re gonna be all right. I’ll give you however much you need. You keep quiet about this, and your baby’ll be born rich. He’ll be taken care of.\"
\"I don’t want the baby. I want an abortion.\"
\"Ah, hell nah!\" screamed The Candidate. He grabbed the girl’s face and made her look at him. \"You just shut that shit up right now. You ain’t gonna abort any kid of mine.\"
The girl shook herself loose from The Candidate’s grip.
\"Do you plan to help raise your kid?\" she asked.
\"Well, obviously I can’t do that.\"
\"That’s what I thought. So it’ll grow up without a father, and I’m only 17, and I’m not ready.\" Her face was red and streaked with tears. \"I can’t go through with it.\"
\"You can, and you will.\"
\"What do you care?!? You’ll never even see it!\"
\"I care because I am pro-life. And it’s my baby, too. You want to just murder a gift from God before it even has a chance? Is that a message you want to send to God?\"
\"Look at you!\" shrieked the girl, hysterically pounding on the mattress, her accusing eyes staring through The Candidate.
\"Oh, excuse me. I forgot you were a lesbian. I guess God ain’t your concern anyway.\"
\"Look at you! Look at you!\"
\"What for?\" asked The Candidate, retying his tie. The girl plopped backward on the bed and laughed until she was out of breath.
\"All those kids,\" she whispered.
\"Look, girl. I don’t know what you’re on, but you’re startin’ to give me the heebee-jeebees. Now, listen. I got my checkbook right here. I’ll give you however much you need. You name it. Just don’t go having no abortion. And don’t you dare go to the media with this.\"
\"I won’t. I just need help.\"
\"Well, here I am. I’m helpin’ you,\" said The Candidate, waving his checkbook.
\"I knew I shouldn’t have come here,\" said the girl. \"I was kidding myself. I might as well kill myself.\"
\"Now don’t go saying that. You won’t be eligible for Heaven if you do that. You’re acting like your life is over. You can still turn it around. Why not join the armed forces?\"
The girl sobbed again and turned on her side, away from The Candidate.
\"How much you want? I ain’t gonna leave you high-and-dry. Now come on and tell me.\"
\"I don’t want your money. Just forget it.\"
\"Suit yourself.\" The Candidate picked up his sports coat and started to put it on. He paused and looked at the girl lying on the bed.
\"So I reckon you aren’t in the mood, are you?\"
\"Get the hell out!\"
\"All right, all right. That’s what I figured. Just asking.\" The Candidate put on his sports coat, cap, and sunglasses, and walked to the door. He turned to the girl.
\"Can I trust you to keep quiet about this?\"
The girl didn’t answer. She only wept.
\"I’m sorry you’re in this kind of shape,\" he said. \"But go ahead and have the kid. Who knows? It might straighten you up, if you know what I mean.\"
At around 3:00 AM, the girl heard another knock on her door, this one more business-like, a fast \"knock-knock-knock-knock\". It didn’t awaken her, because she couldn’t sleep in the first place. Through the peephole, she saw a handsome man wearing a suit, and although she wasn’t expecting a visitor, she wasn’t surprised to see him.
Already defeated, she opened the door to an unceremonious conclusion, wondering if God Himself could make sense of this one. The man expressionlessly raised his gun and shot her in the heart. She collapsed, the image of the gun her last.
\"It was so quiet,\" she thought. \"What a nice gun he had. I bet I know who he’ll vote for.\"