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22 December 2023
Why the long face, America? Is... it... because... I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON!!! Yeee-hawww!!!
Wait-- what did I win?
Crap... I know it was somethi-- oh, yeah! The election! THANK GOD!!! (And blind religious peoples everywhere.) This means I still have a job, which is a huge relief. Because, frankly, I can’t do anything else. I guess I could join The Muppet Show and do what I’ve been doing for the last four years. Life’s a lot easier to live when you have someone else telling you what to say and where to go.
Anyway, don’t be sad about it. I could have told you I was going to win. Not because I’m Claire Voyant. (That was Cliff Voyant’s wife, right?) No, I knew because... well, you didn’t really think we tallied actual votes, did you? Nigga, please! Remember Election 2000? Remember Florida? Al Gore had that shit on lock, but look at what a li’l Jeb’ll do ya!
And now, here I stand, ready to re-sit down on my throne, toss international good-standing to the wind, and send some more kids off to die for a reason I can’t really remember anymore. But fuck it! The Middle East is one giant beach. Who doesn’t love a beach?!?
Actually, I’ll bet Optimus Prime doesn’t like the beach.
I’ll tell you what he would like, though-- he’d like me to answer this letter before I leave you until next month. I got it just before the election. Here goes:
From: Elena Stan
To: dubya@tlchicken.com
Sent: Tuesday, October 30th, 2004 1:14 PM
Hey, Mr. President. It\'s time to beat it!!!
- Elena (Romanian immigrant who has been working her butt off in this country for ten years now.)
Dear Elena,
Judging by your last name, you are obviously a possible terrorist country (Afghanistan, Pakistan, France-istan). But this is the brand-new Dubya. A kinder, more compassionate Dubya. That is why I am not going to attack you. I am, however, going to hire you. Romanian, eh? I’ll bet you clean really well. I have some rooms in my Guantánamo \"resort\" I’d like you to take care of.
I shall not beat it (beat it, beat it, beat it....).
- Dubya Jackson, King of Pop-erica
Wait-- what did I win?
Crap... I know it was somethi-- oh, yeah! The election! THANK GOD!!! (And blind religious peoples everywhere.) This means I still have a job, which is a huge relief. Because, frankly, I can’t do anything else. I guess I could join The Muppet Show and do what I’ve been doing for the last four years. Life’s a lot easier to live when you have someone else telling you what to say and where to go.
Anyway, don’t be sad about it. I could have told you I was going to win. Not because I’m Claire Voyant. (That was Cliff Voyant’s wife, right?) No, I knew because... well, you didn’t really think we tallied actual votes, did you? Nigga, please! Remember Election 2000? Remember Florida? Al Gore had that shit on lock, but look at what a li’l Jeb’ll do ya!
And now, here I stand, ready to re-sit down on my throne, toss international good-standing to the wind, and send some more kids off to die for a reason I can’t really remember anymore. But fuck it! The Middle East is one giant beach. Who doesn’t love a beach?!?
Actually, I’ll bet Optimus Prime doesn’t like the beach.
I’ll tell you what he would like, though-- he’d like me to answer this letter before I leave you until next month. I got it just before the election. Here goes:
From: Elena Stan
To: dubya@tlchicken.com
Sent: Tuesday, October 30th, 2004 1:14 PM
Hey, Mr. President. It\'s time to beat it!!!
- Elena (Romanian immigrant who has been working her butt off in this country for ten years now.)
Dear Elena,
Judging by your last name, you are obviously a possible terrorist country (Afghanistan, Pakistan, France-istan). But this is the brand-new Dubya. A kinder, more compassionate Dubya. That is why I am not going to attack you. I am, however, going to hire you. Romanian, eh? I’ll bet you clean really well. I have some rooms in my Guantánamo \"resort\" I’d like you to take care of.
I shall not beat it (beat it, beat it, beat it....).
- Dubya Jackson, King of Pop-erica
artid
2833
Old Image
7_3_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 03 (nov 2004)
section
stories