THE 6TH ANNUAL TLC MILLENNIUM AWARDS!

Another January, another cover story of the Annual Millennium Awards. And hopefully this will be the last. Keep your fingers crossed....
THE REALIZATION THAT ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND ME IS A FUCKING IDIOT OF THE MILLENNIUM: NOVEMBER 2ND, 2004
MISSPELLED WORD OF THE MILLENNIUM: MILLENNIUM - Two Ls, two Ns.
MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE SEQUEL OF THE MILLENNIUM: PASSION OF THE CHRIST, PART DEUX
BEST PORNO OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
MOST ANNOYING PACKAGING OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE STICKERS ON THE TOPS OF CD CASES AFTER UNWRAPPING THEM
MOST BIZARRELY DESIRABLE LESBIAN OF THE MILLENNIUM: ELLEN DEGENERES - I don\'t know what it is about her, man, but everyone I know just thinks she\'s ten kinds of delicious. She\'s not conventionally beautiful, but all my friends-- both men and straight women-- wanna get with her. She just harnesses some weird lesbian power.
COOLEST LANGUAGE OF THE MILLENNIUM: ESPERANTO - Kiu(j) povus esti pli bona ol universala lingvo kiu(j) neniu parolas?
BEST UNPUBLISHED COOKBOOK OF THE MILLENNIUM: (TIE) SPENDING LESS TIME IN THE KITCHEN BY MARY-KATE OLSEN, AND HOW TO COOK A LOT OF FOOD BY DOM DELUISE
FUNNIEST REACTION AFTER HAVING A MISCARRIAGE OF THE MILLENNIUM: SUE WALLS OF LAKE PLAINS, IDAHO
PILOT OF THE MILLENNIUM FALCON: HAN SOLO
ARTIST/BOY RAPER/HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED MUTANT FREAK OF THE MILLENNIUM: MICHAEL JACKSON - Obviously. But I did want to point out that our very own Vinnie Baggadonuts came in a close second! Way to go, Vinnie! Congrats! Represent!
THE WORD THAT WE ALL USE BUT DENY ADMITTING THAT WE USE OF THE MILLENNIUM: FAG - And I don\'t mean in an anti-gay derogatory way, either. But let\'s admit it here, folks, it\'s short, sweet, and fun to say.
BEST WORKOUT VIDEO OF THE MILLENNIUM: SEVEN-MINUTE ABS - That’s right, I said seven! Seven chipmunks twirlin\' on a branch, eatin\' lots of sunflowers on my uncle\'s ranch! You know that old children’s tale from the sea!
BEST THING EVER OF THE MILLENNIUM: FUNNY RHYMING TOMBSTONES IN FRONT OF HAUNTED HOUSES - \"Here lies Richard Artemis Brown. So ugly, we buried him upside-down.\" AH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
MOST ANNOYING PHRASE OF THE MILLENNIUM: \"WE DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY IN OUR BUDGET TO DO ANY ADVERTISING IN YOUR MAGAZINE AT THIS TIME, BUT TRY US AGAIN NEXT ISSUE.\" - Yeah, right.
BEST MILLENNIUM AWARDS OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE 4TH ANNUAL TLC MILLENNIUM AWARDS
BEST X-FILES SPIN-OFF OF THE MILLENNIUM: MILLENNIUM
LIGHTWEIGHT METAL OF THE MILLENNIUM: ALUMINUM
FLOOR COVERING OF THE MILLENNIUM: LINOLEUM
BEST WORD THAT SOUNDS LIKE \"MILLENNIUM\": MILIUM
SAMARITAN ACT OF THE MILLENNIUM: VINNIE BAGGADONUTS - Are we still doing these? I haven’t laughed at one of these heartily since that Ed Gein one I wrote in 2002, because serial killers are generally hilarious, save for all the killing and serialing they’re doing. Hmmm... maybe this whole Millennium gag is funny, because for the last four years it’s been serial-killing me, and I just said serial killers are funny. No, wait... it’s still not funny. Six years of making a humor magazine and we still rely on this holiday season cover-story cop-out? Is Jay Leno running this ship?
THE \"DOESN’T READ TASTES LIKE CHICKEN AWARD\" OF THE MILLENNIUM: VINNIE BAGGADONUTS - Jeremy Scott ended the Millennium Awards with that same joke last year, dude.