admin
22 December 2023
Man, America, I tell you. Every day, things seem to get weirder and weirder. Like last week, for example. December 31st, to be exact. I’m hanging out at home with Dick, Donny, and Condolizzard, sippin\' some hot cocoa, talking about all the ridiculously expensive things we got for Christmas, and all the charities we donated to to get some wicked tax breaks (\"You Somalian kids sure are starving... for Daddy\'s tax write-off!\").
So, around 11:30, we turn on the ol\' NBC affiliate to watch Jay Leno, the funniest man alive! I think Jack Ruby or Ruby Dee or Dee Snyder was on. Whatever. Point is, all of a sudden, midnight hits, and 2004 disappears! Poof! Gone! Faster than your civil liberties! In its place: 2005. That’s right-- a whole new year. Where did the old one go? I don’t know. It’s not like that trick my daddy used to do, where he’d make a quarter disappear from his hand, and reappear behind my ear. Or the one he did back when he worked for the CIA, where he made poor black people disappear by pumping crack cocaine into the inner-city neighborhoods.
Dick, Donny, and Condolizzard didn’t seem too worried about that old year, but I was. It was my favorite year! I got re-elected, the economy got back on an upswing, we freed Iraq... well, at least I got re-elected.
And that’s why I’m here now, in Auguraish Inn. I gotta go stand in front of that old dude with the book about Jesus tomorrow, raise my hand, and say, \"No Whammies!\" Then it’s four more years of the same: me making totally awesome decisions based on what my Magic 8 Ball tells me (and I ain’t talkin\' \'bout no psychic toy!), disregarding human health and safety, and justifying it all with cool catch phrases like, \"We must stop terror before it strikes again!\", \"What, me worry?\" or \"Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz! Guess who our new villain is?\"
Man... I sure hope the gang throws me some sort of party. Last year, we had pizza and balloons, and John Travolta dressed up like a clown and made balloon animals. Not like he’s real busy lately. He said all the animals were actually \"Sweathogs\", but I think that’s because he kinda smelled like booze.
Hopefully, this time around, we don’t lose 2005 as quickly as we lost 2004.
So, around 11:30, we turn on the ol\' NBC affiliate to watch Jay Leno, the funniest man alive! I think Jack Ruby or Ruby Dee or Dee Snyder was on. Whatever. Point is, all of a sudden, midnight hits, and 2004 disappears! Poof! Gone! Faster than your civil liberties! In its place: 2005. That’s right-- a whole new year. Where did the old one go? I don’t know. It’s not like that trick my daddy used to do, where he’d make a quarter disappear from his hand, and reappear behind my ear. Or the one he did back when he worked for the CIA, where he made poor black people disappear by pumping crack cocaine into the inner-city neighborhoods.
Dick, Donny, and Condolizzard didn’t seem too worried about that old year, but I was. It was my favorite year! I got re-elected, the economy got back on an upswing, we freed Iraq... well, at least I got re-elected.
And that’s why I’m here now, in Auguraish Inn. I gotta go stand in front of that old dude with the book about Jesus tomorrow, raise my hand, and say, \"No Whammies!\" Then it’s four more years of the same: me making totally awesome decisions based on what my Magic 8 Ball tells me (and I ain’t talkin\' \'bout no psychic toy!), disregarding human health and safety, and justifying it all with cool catch phrases like, \"We must stop terror before it strikes again!\", \"What, me worry?\" or \"Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz! Guess who our new villain is?\"
Man... I sure hope the gang throws me some sort of party. Last year, we had pizza and balloons, and John Travolta dressed up like a clown and made balloon animals. Not like he’s real busy lately. He said all the animals were actually \"Sweathogs\", but I think that’s because he kinda smelled like booze.
Hopefully, this time around, we don’t lose 2005 as quickly as we lost 2004.
artid
2916
Old Image
7_5_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 05 (jan 2005)
section
stories