FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
This is your chance to get, once and for all, the \"Sex Secret That Works Every Time\". Thousands of happy couples just love it... and we’re absolutely sure you’re going to love the Vibrating Ring, too! It’s inexpensive, totally safe, and lots and lots of fun! Everyone’s coming to know the true \"magic\" of the Vibrating Ring. Take advantage now of this special offer, and start making love like never before! Remember, it’s hassle-free, highly erotic, and inexpensive-– you couldn’t buy a nice dinner for the same price! So act now, and get started on the best sex you’ve ever experienced... you won’t regret it!
- Serena Fournier, via the Internet
Serena,
I really appreciate the offer for the \"magic\" ring, but I already fell for that one with my second wife. She was all like, \"Franklin, just put on this \'magic\' ring and we will be able to have sex all the time.\" I agreed, and then she told me that we had to go to a church to activate the ring\'s magical powers. Well, it worked, I guess, for a few months. But then, either someone put some sort of counter-spell on the ring, or maybe it just wore off.
Wait... your ring is hassle-free? That sounds a lot better than the one I got. For some reason I had to give daily bunion massages, repaint all sorts of rooms, and put in 60-hour weeks just to keep the enchantment working. Hmmm... less than the cost of a nice dinner? I haven\'t been able to afford more than a rice sandwich ever since she took me for all I was worth. Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before American ingenuity created a better ring. You know what? Sign me up. Hell, send me two of them. I\'ve been feeling extra frisky lately.

---

Dear Franklin,
I recently quit my job to please my girlfriend who was insisting that we did not spend enough time together. Now we have been evicted and live in my tent down by the river. On the plus side, since we don\'t have any money, she has stopped feeding me laxatives to keep me from spending too much time in the bathroom. On the downside, all we do is sit around and stare at each other, and yet she still does nothing but complain when it takes me more than five minutes to catch a fish for dinner. My patience is wearing very thin with this woman. What should I do?
Camping outside of Ripley on the Ohio River,
- Brent Aberknackle
Brent,
It\'s funny that you should write. Why, just the other day my buddy Don Bowsel-- who works as a family counselor for the state-- and I were discussing this very same problem. We came up with two conclusions:
1. If we had a dollar for every couple with this problem, we would be very wealthy men, and
2. most anglers are unwilling to readjust their rigs to try out different depths.
Simply put, if after a minute you aren\'t getting any bites, pull the line back in and slide the sinker down the line about four inches, and recast. (Four inches is a good increment to go by; if you increase or decrease by too much, you will just end up complicating things.) Make it as easy as possible for the fish to find your bait. Think about back when you had a refrigerator. Did you like to go searching around for food, or did you grab the first thing you saw? Sure, mustard wasn\'t always the most delicious or satisfying meal, but it was easy, and that\'s what you want to do for the fish: make it easy. And remember to always use live bait! You wouldn\'t want to eat plastic and lead, so why would a fish want to? Good luck, Brent!