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22 December 2023
Why do people like crap? I\'m serious. I mean, let\'s all stop for a second and look at the parade of poo that is marched past our eyes and into our ears nearly every single day. If my point is to be taken seriously, I must have proof to support it. And luckily for me, all the proof I need is either on your television, coming out of your radio, or in your local movie theater.
\"Whatever do you mean, Wayne?\" you ask, somewhat coyly and all dirty-like.
\"Well,\" I reply as I begin to unbutton my pants, \"let me tell you: Tony Danza has a talk show! And it\'s lasted more than two episodes! What the fuck?!?\"
Yes, our world is cluttered with the painfully talentless and completely useless: Paris Hilton, Carson Daly, George Lucas, the dumb bitch at Little Caesars who never gets my pizza order correct, and even our own damn dumb president.
And now director/writer/actor-who-is-only-in-his-own-movies-in-unnecessary-cameos M. Night Shyamalan has officially been added to that long list of hacks.
First, let me get the obvious out of the way: The Sixth Sense was a good movie. Even though I saw the \"surprise\" ending coming from the moment old John McClane was shot, it still held up as a fine piece of cinema. At that point, M. Night was batting a hundred.
But then Unbreakable came along, or as I like to call it: Die Hard 3 2. This movie had every ingredient it needed to be a good time: a balding Bruce Willis and a crackhead Samuel L. Jackson. What more do you need? I\'m sold. The concept of it was cool, and it looked pretty. But I\'m still convinced that I viewed a bunk copy of the film, because what I saw didn\'t end. It just kind of paused, and next thing I knew, credits were rolling across the screen. What the fuck is that about?!? Still though, I believe everyone is entitled to a drop an artistic turd into the toilet of society every once in awhile, so I was pretty forgiving with Totally Broken Storyline.
Next up: Signs. You\'ve got to be fucking kidding me. There are more holes in the plot line of Signs than there are in a lifetime subscription of Barely Legal. So you mean to tell me that these highly intelligent uber-aliens spend years and years and years planning and plotting their scheme to take over Earth, yet they fail to realize that 70% of the planet they\'re about to invade is comprised of the very substance that kills them?!? What?!? Water kills them?!? Water?!? Sheesh. This is when Shamalamadingdong started to show his true colors, and I started to get pissed off. Or more pissed off, I should say. I\'ve always kind of been pissed off.
And just when I thought it couldn\'t get any worse, The Village comes flying at me like a diseased and rabid badger. What a convoluted and boring tale that went nowhere. First, there are creatures! Then, there are no creatures. But then there are! And then there aren\'t. Or are there...?
I don\'t want to give away any of the eleven surprise twists and turns that this film unnecessarily takes, but if you haven\'t seen it yet, just know that you could spend your five dollars in less foolish ways... like by purchasing a shard of glass to cut your own face with, or by donating it to the Republican Party.
M. Night, you get a long and loud yawn from me. And I wanna slap my dick on your forehead. But that\'s neither here nor there.
The really sad thing about Shamalama... is that all of his story ideas are interesting on the surface. And as if that weren\'t depressing enough, all four of his films have been visually beautiful. His films are kind of like a cute skank you\'d meet at a bagel shop or Christian spaghetti dinner: she\'s attractive on the outside and saying all the right things, but then you get her home and find out she\'s all crudded up (Surprise ending number one!) and that she is manic depressive (Surprise ending number two!) and that she has a dick (Surprise ending number three!) and that she voted for Bush (Surprise ending number four!).
And the worst thing about M. Night isn\'t that he\'s a shitty filmmaker. The world is full of them, and I\'m grateful that they\'re there to make me laugh... at them. No, the problem is that the public places him on a cinematic pedestal, like he\'s some filmmaking messiah. Gimme a break. Everyone knows the only true filmmaking messiah is the disgustingly talented Joel Schumacher. Come on... nipples on Batman? What\'s hotter than that?!?
So, M. Night, knock it off, okay? Keep coming up with the ideas, but let someone else take it over from there. Now, if you\'ll excuse me, I have to go and purge my body of this movie poison I\'ve just ingested. Hmmm... maybe I\'ll watch Nightbeast.
\"Whatever do you mean, Wayne?\" you ask, somewhat coyly and all dirty-like.
\"Well,\" I reply as I begin to unbutton my pants, \"let me tell you: Tony Danza has a talk show! And it\'s lasted more than two episodes! What the fuck?!?\"
Yes, our world is cluttered with the painfully talentless and completely useless: Paris Hilton, Carson Daly, George Lucas, the dumb bitch at Little Caesars who never gets my pizza order correct, and even our own damn dumb president.
And now director/writer/actor-who-is-only-in-his-own-movies-in-unnecessary-cameos M. Night Shyamalan has officially been added to that long list of hacks.
First, let me get the obvious out of the way: The Sixth Sense was a good movie. Even though I saw the \"surprise\" ending coming from the moment old John McClane was shot, it still held up as a fine piece of cinema. At that point, M. Night was batting a hundred.
But then Unbreakable came along, or as I like to call it: Die Hard 3 2. This movie had every ingredient it needed to be a good time: a balding Bruce Willis and a crackhead Samuel L. Jackson. What more do you need? I\'m sold. The concept of it was cool, and it looked pretty. But I\'m still convinced that I viewed a bunk copy of the film, because what I saw didn\'t end. It just kind of paused, and next thing I knew, credits were rolling across the screen. What the fuck is that about?!? Still though, I believe everyone is entitled to a drop an artistic turd into the toilet of society every once in awhile, so I was pretty forgiving with Totally Broken Storyline.
Next up: Signs. You\'ve got to be fucking kidding me. There are more holes in the plot line of Signs than there are in a lifetime subscription of Barely Legal. So you mean to tell me that these highly intelligent uber-aliens spend years and years and years planning and plotting their scheme to take over Earth, yet they fail to realize that 70% of the planet they\'re about to invade is comprised of the very substance that kills them?!? What?!? Water kills them?!? Water?!? Sheesh. This is when Shamalamadingdong started to show his true colors, and I started to get pissed off. Or more pissed off, I should say. I\'ve always kind of been pissed off.
And just when I thought it couldn\'t get any worse, The Village comes flying at me like a diseased and rabid badger. What a convoluted and boring tale that went nowhere. First, there are creatures! Then, there are no creatures. But then there are! And then there aren\'t. Or are there...?
I don\'t want to give away any of the eleven surprise twists and turns that this film unnecessarily takes, but if you haven\'t seen it yet, just know that you could spend your five dollars in less foolish ways... like by purchasing a shard of glass to cut your own face with, or by donating it to the Republican Party.
M. Night, you get a long and loud yawn from me. And I wanna slap my dick on your forehead. But that\'s neither here nor there.
The really sad thing about Shamalama... is that all of his story ideas are interesting on the surface. And as if that weren\'t depressing enough, all four of his films have been visually beautiful. His films are kind of like a cute skank you\'d meet at a bagel shop or Christian spaghetti dinner: she\'s attractive on the outside and saying all the right things, but then you get her home and find out she\'s all crudded up (Surprise ending number one!) and that she is manic depressive (Surprise ending number two!) and that she has a dick (Surprise ending number three!) and that she voted for Bush (Surprise ending number four!).
And the worst thing about M. Night isn\'t that he\'s a shitty filmmaker. The world is full of them, and I\'m grateful that they\'re there to make me laugh... at them. No, the problem is that the public places him on a cinematic pedestal, like he\'s some filmmaking messiah. Gimme a break. Everyone knows the only true filmmaking messiah is the disgustingly talented Joel Schumacher. Come on... nipples on Batman? What\'s hotter than that?!?
So, M. Night, knock it off, okay? Keep coming up with the ideas, but let someone else take it over from there. Now, if you\'ll excuse me, I have to go and purge my body of this movie poison I\'ve just ingested. Hmmm... maybe I\'ll watch Nightbeast.
artid
2949
Old Image
7_6_wayne.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 06 (feb 2005)
section
stories