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22 December 2023
One is a certifiable genius. The other is Vinnie. Together, they are two of the most brilliant inventors in all of Pangaea. Wayne recognized this, and has given them a column to share with you the wonders of their progressive, modern minds.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY #716
Seeing as how Vinnie and I have thus far conquered the realms of hard-hitting Internet journalism, brilliant editorial illustration, top-selling printed media, and hand-to-hand combat, it was time to set our sights on another arena: moving pictures. Hollywood has yet to experience the destiny-altering brilliance that pours from our combined brains, so it was with this in mind that the two of us set to work developing scripts that are sure to do nothing less than set the movie world on fire.
It’s no big secret that video game-based film is currently the hottest thing in the Town of Tinsel, with such smash hits as Mortal Kombat, Alone In The Dark, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, Double Dragon, Wing Commander, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Alone In The Dark, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, House Of The Dead, Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life, Alone In The Dark, Street Fighter, and the timeless Bob Hoskins opus, Super Mario Bros., shattering box office records worldwide. Knowing that I would need to act fast to attach myself to a project not already helmed by the humbling genius of Uwe Boll, I did a bit of investigating. When I discovered that Crystal Sky Entertainment was without a script for their upcoming live-action Pac-Man movie, I closed myself off from the outside world and set to work.
While I’ve yet to sort out all of the bugs in my 120-page treatment, I can give you a summary: a team of four research scientists-- Greg \"Blinky\" Blinkletter, Red \"Pinky\" White, Sumi \"Inky\" Mujuro, and Clyde \"Clyde\" Clydesdale-- under contract from the U.S. military, have developed an organic construct capable of perpetual antimatter containment (PAC). The lab scene is sure to be one of the most visually powerful images in the entire movie, with the doors of some incredible machine parting with a hiss of cold steam to reveal the PAC\'s glistening spherical surface.
Unfortunately, the four scientists are unable to contain the PAC, and it soon destroys the lab, killing the scientists before moving into the neighboring city. The military is called in to destroy it, but nothing they can do has any effect: bullets vaporize the instant they come in contact with the PAC\'s antimatter sphere, along with tanks, buildings, oranges, pretzels, or anything else it touches. It’s only after Dr. Toru Iwatani (superior of the four dead scientists) realizes that the PAC is an organic construct, and is therefore subject to the effects of the paranormal, that he begins work on a method to resurrect the PAC\'s creators.
Blinkletter, White, Mujuro, and Clydesdale return from the other side as ghosts, the only hope of stopping the PAC. An extensive chase scene ensues, making liberal use of a bird\'s-eye view of the city, with the four splitting up in an attempt to catch the PAC off-guard. Eventually, they are able to surround it, and Blinkletter enters into the PAC\'s body, taking control of it. In an emotional scene, with Blinkletter experiencing the childlike innocence of the PAC\'s simple artificial intelligence firsthand and feeling a paternal bond to his creation, he reluctantly forces its antimatter field to eat itself from the inside out.
Dr. Iwatani thanks the four ghosts and returns them to their rest, and all involved learn an important lesson about the evils of weapons development-- or so it seems. The film closes with a sweeping shot of a different team of scientists working in a similar research facility, as the doors of a massive device open to reveal a familiar yellow sphere... topped with a red bow.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY VINNIE
Wow, #716. What are the odds that our brilliant minds would be on the same pop-cultural page?
Fifteen years ago, the world received a touching blow to the heart, courtesy of the most infamous of all dirty dancers, and a woman who’s had her uterus spackled by the seed of Detective John McClane. Yes, cellu-ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about that heelarious, monosyllabic comedy, Ghost.
Jerry Zucker continued his streak of hot-shit film funny with this directorial croissant back in 1990. Patrick Swayze played a feather-haired romantic lead with a stupid last name (Sam Wheat) who was madly in love with Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. One thing leads to another, and ol\' \"Hasn’t-had-a-good-role-since\" Swayze winds up as dead as his agent\'s phone line. Luckily, ol\' Patticakes managed to transcend the spiritual plane and figure out how to communicate with the Predator... I mean, Whoopi Goldberg (as psychic Oda Mae Brown). She reconnects him with Dinti Moore, they make love on a pottery wheel, The Righteous Brothers\' crusty, dying asses start seeing royalty checks, and Crispy Wheat Swayzins avenges his murder.
But what if, 15 years later, we could reconnect with that sassy, dreadlocked psychic? What would she be up to?
I’ll tell you what: the same ol\' song and dance, but with an 8-bit twist!
In Ghost: 2, the highly anticipated sequel, Oda Mae Goldberg has retired from full-time psychic duties for a job as recorder in the Namco City courthouse. On her way to lunch, she brushes shoulders with a large, yellow-skinned man.
Turns out the large, yellow-skinned stranger is Namco City’s most famous bounty hunter: Pachuco \"Pac\" Mann. \"Pac\" rose to local fame by spending over two decades keeping the city safe from a mysterious domestic terrorist known only as \"Mezmero\".
But we soon learn that the blood on Pachuco’s hands is not as honorable as the citizens of Namco City seem to think.
Three years prior, Namco City’s favorite son of independent justice not only brutally murdered Mezmero’s followers, but ate them in a sick, despicable act of cannibalism. And Odor Mae figures this out through an experience of déjà vu like she hasn’t experienced since, you guessed it, ol\' Puddin\' Pants Patty McSwayzlestick entered her icky husk of a body and asked for her help.
Only this time, it’s not the ghost of Sam Wheat. It’s a ghost of a different color. A purple color. And her name is Sue.
From here, it’s pretty much the same old song and dance as last time: Ode Lay reconnects a ghost named Sue with an older, wiser Mezmero, they make love on a pottery wheel (because that’s still sensual a decade and a half later), The Everly Brothers\' crusty, dying asses get some royalty checks this go-round, and Pachuco Mann chomps his last pellet, if you know what I mean.
Fans of the game may prefer #716’s live-action certified classic, but fans of the early Eighties Saturday morning cartoon will rejoice in finally seeing the then-obvious sexual tension between Sue and her villainous employer release itself.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY #716
Seeing as how Vinnie and I have thus far conquered the realms of hard-hitting Internet journalism, brilliant editorial illustration, top-selling printed media, and hand-to-hand combat, it was time to set our sights on another arena: moving pictures. Hollywood has yet to experience the destiny-altering brilliance that pours from our combined brains, so it was with this in mind that the two of us set to work developing scripts that are sure to do nothing less than set the movie world on fire.
It’s no big secret that video game-based film is currently the hottest thing in the Town of Tinsel, with such smash hits as Mortal Kombat, Alone In The Dark, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, Double Dragon, Wing Commander, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Alone In The Dark, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, House Of The Dead, Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life, Alone In The Dark, Street Fighter, and the timeless Bob Hoskins opus, Super Mario Bros., shattering box office records worldwide. Knowing that I would need to act fast to attach myself to a project not already helmed by the humbling genius of Uwe Boll, I did a bit of investigating. When I discovered that Crystal Sky Entertainment was without a script for their upcoming live-action Pac-Man movie, I closed myself off from the outside world and set to work.
While I’ve yet to sort out all of the bugs in my 120-page treatment, I can give you a summary: a team of four research scientists-- Greg \"Blinky\" Blinkletter, Red \"Pinky\" White, Sumi \"Inky\" Mujuro, and Clyde \"Clyde\" Clydesdale-- under contract from the U.S. military, have developed an organic construct capable of perpetual antimatter containment (PAC). The lab scene is sure to be one of the most visually powerful images in the entire movie, with the doors of some incredible machine parting with a hiss of cold steam to reveal the PAC\'s glistening spherical surface.
Unfortunately, the four scientists are unable to contain the PAC, and it soon destroys the lab, killing the scientists before moving into the neighboring city. The military is called in to destroy it, but nothing they can do has any effect: bullets vaporize the instant they come in contact with the PAC\'s antimatter sphere, along with tanks, buildings, oranges, pretzels, or anything else it touches. It’s only after Dr. Toru Iwatani (superior of the four dead scientists) realizes that the PAC is an organic construct, and is therefore subject to the effects of the paranormal, that he begins work on a method to resurrect the PAC\'s creators.
Blinkletter, White, Mujuro, and Clydesdale return from the other side as ghosts, the only hope of stopping the PAC. An extensive chase scene ensues, making liberal use of a bird\'s-eye view of the city, with the four splitting up in an attempt to catch the PAC off-guard. Eventually, they are able to surround it, and Blinkletter enters into the PAC\'s body, taking control of it. In an emotional scene, with Blinkletter experiencing the childlike innocence of the PAC\'s simple artificial intelligence firsthand and feeling a paternal bond to his creation, he reluctantly forces its antimatter field to eat itself from the inside out.
Dr. Iwatani thanks the four ghosts and returns them to their rest, and all involved learn an important lesson about the evils of weapons development-- or so it seems. The film closes with a sweeping shot of a different team of scientists working in a similar research facility, as the doors of a massive device open to reveal a familiar yellow sphere... topped with a red bow.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY VINNIE
Wow, #716. What are the odds that our brilliant minds would be on the same pop-cultural page?
Fifteen years ago, the world received a touching blow to the heart, courtesy of the most infamous of all dirty dancers, and a woman who’s had her uterus spackled by the seed of Detective John McClane. Yes, cellu-ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about that heelarious, monosyllabic comedy, Ghost.
Jerry Zucker continued his streak of hot-shit film funny with this directorial croissant back in 1990. Patrick Swayze played a feather-haired romantic lead with a stupid last name (Sam Wheat) who was madly in love with Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. One thing leads to another, and ol\' \"Hasn’t-had-a-good-role-since\" Swayze winds up as dead as his agent\'s phone line. Luckily, ol\' Patticakes managed to transcend the spiritual plane and figure out how to communicate with the Predator... I mean, Whoopi Goldberg (as psychic Oda Mae Brown). She reconnects him with Dinti Moore, they make love on a pottery wheel, The Righteous Brothers\' crusty, dying asses start seeing royalty checks, and Crispy Wheat Swayzins avenges his murder.
But what if, 15 years later, we could reconnect with that sassy, dreadlocked psychic? What would she be up to?
I’ll tell you what: the same ol\' song and dance, but with an 8-bit twist!
In Ghost: 2, the highly anticipated sequel, Oda Mae Goldberg has retired from full-time psychic duties for a job as recorder in the Namco City courthouse. On her way to lunch, she brushes shoulders with a large, yellow-skinned man.
Turns out the large, yellow-skinned stranger is Namco City’s most famous bounty hunter: Pachuco \"Pac\" Mann. \"Pac\" rose to local fame by spending over two decades keeping the city safe from a mysterious domestic terrorist known only as \"Mezmero\".
But we soon learn that the blood on Pachuco’s hands is not as honorable as the citizens of Namco City seem to think.
Three years prior, Namco City’s favorite son of independent justice not only brutally murdered Mezmero’s followers, but ate them in a sick, despicable act of cannibalism. And Odor Mae figures this out through an experience of déjà vu like she hasn’t experienced since, you guessed it, ol\' Puddin\' Pants Patty McSwayzlestick entered her icky husk of a body and asked for her help.
Only this time, it’s not the ghost of Sam Wheat. It’s a ghost of a different color. A purple color. And her name is Sue.
From here, it’s pretty much the same old song and dance as last time: Ode Lay reconnects a ghost named Sue with an older, wiser Mezmero, they make love on a pottery wheel (because that’s still sensual a decade and a half later), The Everly Brothers\' crusty, dying asses get some royalty checks this go-round, and Pachuco Mann chomps his last pellet, if you know what I mean.
Fans of the game may prefer #716’s live-action certified classic, but fans of the early Eighties Saturday morning cartoon will rejoice in finally seeing the then-obvious sexual tension between Sue and her villainous employer release itself.
artid
2957
Old Image
7_6_vin716.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 06 (feb 2005)
section
stories