FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,

I really love my girlfriend, and everything is great except for one thing. She rarely wants to have sex more than once a week. From reading your column on a regular basis, I am fairly certain that you are in fact a man and not a woman pretending to be a man. Therefore, I am sure it is unnecessary to explain why this is a problem. She has joked around and said that with my sex drive, I should have three or four girlfriends. I pretended to laugh. What should I do?

Chewing ice in Charlotte,

- Ben Michaelson

Ben, when I was about five years old, I came across an issue of Playboy that my father had left lying around. It was at this point that I first saw a fully unclothed woman. It was truly a defining moment in my life. Of course, at this time in my life I still thought sex involved a man urinating on a woman, but I digress. Do me a favor and ask every male you know about the first time they saw a \"nekkid\" woman. Then ask yourself why so many happily married fathers were subscribing to pornographic magazines. Try real hard not to think of all these dads as fathers like your own, but as actual people just like you. Think about it a little more, and remember that pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. When you\'re done thinking, drop me another email and I\'ll come down there and buy you a beer.

Dear Franklin,

I stumbled across your column while surfing the Internet looking for information about a problem of mine. Recently I have been having irregular heartbeats. I mostly notice them at night when I am trying to fall asleep. There is no pain involved, but I am concerned.

Thump ba-rump thump thump in Parkersburg,

- Melanie Thames

Mel, arrhythmia is defined as any deviation from normal rhythm, whether it is too fast or too slow. Generally, your problem can be treated with medication or an ablation if the problem is not caused by a physical abnormality, but is on the electrical level. Regardless, it is important to seek the help of a specialist, as it is possible that you are experiencing ventricle fibrillation which, although rare, is fatal if not treated quickly.

Wait a second, is that Parkersburg, Tennessee or West Virginia? If you are in West Virginia, please disregard my advice, as I am strictly prohibited from dispensing medical advice in that state due to a \"misunderstanding\" that happened a while back. Actually, there are several states that I have had \"misunderstandings\" in, so maybe you shouldn\'t even... ummm... damnit, what did that lawyer say again? Okay, Melanie, my advice is for entertainment purposes only, and although it no longer costs $3.99 a minute, you should not take it seriously or even jokingly. In fact, please disregard it altogether.