Dear Iran, North Korea, China, Tibet, Utah, Laos, and every other country showing signs of defensive aggression and zero cooperation toward the United States of America,
I tried to be diplomatic. I tried to be democratic. Hell-- I even tried to be both Craftmatic and adjustable. But you people just insist on being difficult. Perhaps you’ve never heard the great Bible tale of Bruce Banner. No, of course you haven’t. You are all non-Christian heathens.
Let me paint you a picture: It was the time before Jesus, or \"A.M.\" as it is often referred to. Bruce Banner was one of those science-types in Jerusalem or somewhere, who would spend his days coming up with cures for Bible-era diseases like \"cancer\" and \"gay\". Anyway, one day, as Bruce was trying to liberate the people of Ira-- I mean, cure some dudes, they turned on him, not thanking him for giving them the great gift of Western-style democracy, but rather by pulling out of nuclear arms talks, and threatening to fight back if we decide to continue our pipeline path through the Middle Eas-- I mean, Jerusalem. Whatever.
So, these ungrateful sons of bitches start taking the piss out of Bruce, and, well, something snaps. All of a sudden, the camera zooms in real close on his eye, and weird music fills the air. He starts getting bigger, Italian, and slightly deaf. His skin turns green, his pants rip and turn purple. Bruce becomes the embodiment of his rage, and unloads a world of hurt on your unevolved Third-World asses! Do you follow my story?!? Do you understand that, while I may not be able to turn into an angry, pre-Jesus, deaf Italian Hulk, I can unleash the Condolizzard upon your hell-bound, godless asses?!?
You think Godzilla was a problem, North Korea and China? You ain’t seen nothin\' yet. The Condolizzard will send your uncooperative Communist rear ends back to the Ming Dynasty! No one can save you now! Democracy is a lizard, my friends. A mighty, mighty lizard. It is a force to be reckoned with. It will crush you.
Dubya smash!
- Dubya