I think it’s time we give some credit where credit is due. Let’s take some time to recognize the most unappreciated of holiday mascots: the Easter Bunny.
You may think the furry fella doesn’t deserve much acclaim. After all, the only thing he does is hide eggs around people’s houses-- it’s not like he brings us TVs, or toys, or socks like another holiday guy we know! But believe me when I say the Easter Bunny is long overdue some gratitude. It is not-- not easy being that rabbit. At first he took the job thinking it would get him respect, pride, and some babes. But as it turns out, there are very few perks to the occupation.
First of all, the benefits suck. His health insurance deductible is through the roof; probably because no HMO in their right mind will cheaply carry someone whose diet consists solely of candy and hard-boiled eggs. So, you can just imagine what his insulin levels are like (that’s right, he developed diabetes sometime during the Reagan administration), and his poop-- my God, his poop! Initially, it might have been fun to see what colors all those jelly beans and Cadbury Eggs would turn his pellets, but eventually the rainbow-colored poo just gave him a complex about his masculinity.
And that mental anguish didn’t help his love life. Contrary to popular belief, the Easter Bunny is well over seven feet tall, and his feet are 37 inches long, so he’s neither cute nor cuddly. (And did I mention the ferocious gas, courtesy of the hard-boiled eggs?) And, as rabbits\' genitals are extremely ambiguous, his manhood is shoved somewhere up inside of him. Chicks don’t really dig that.
You might think he could make up for all of this with a great personality, but that’s not really the case. See how sharp you stay after decades of having Peeps as your only companions. His conversation skills leave something to be desired. But the real turnoff is his reputation: there aren’t too many girls looking for a guy who spends his spare time in malls, having kids sit on his lap. The fact that he’s constantly surrounded by pastel colors just adds insult to injury, since his complexion clearly makes him an \"autumn\".
So this Easter, take a minute to truly appreciate the guy who works the crappiest job in the holiday business. Savor every poorly-painted, hard-boiled egg and stale jellybean he leaves you. A tiny pause for gratitude is just the thing to make his miserable life endurable... that, and leave him a bottle of liquor. He’s become a heavy drinker, and that’s what really gets him through the day.