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22 December 2023
One is a certifiable genius. The other is Vinnie. Together, they are two of the most brilliant inventors in all of Pangaea. Wayne recognized this, and has given them a column to share with you the wonders of their progressive, modern minds.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY #716
Now, I know what you’re thinking: \"Why in the hell would anyone build an office in honor of one of the most mentally unstable mid-20th Century American military officers?\" Don’t look for logic in it. Remember, this is America, where wrestlers and movie stars become state governors!
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY #716
Okay. So it’s no big secret that me and Vinnie are super-geniuses. Like, our IQs are both totally in the hundreds. But really, what’s the point of being highly intelligent if you can’t turn a profit from it? Think about it. Bill Gates: private jet. Carl Sagan: luxury crypt. Geena Davis: hot. Stephen Hawking: laid twice a night. See where I’m going with this? The big plus to having a giant brain is getting the fat checks. And seeing as how Hollywood is no longer returning our calls, me and Vinnie decided to finally take the matter of our financial security into our own hands.
They say that if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door. But since nothing can top the design pioneered by prize-winning physicist Milton Bradley, and since I don’t want a jubilant mob breaking up the asphalt on my street, I decided to think outside the world of vermin control. I racked my brain for new and exciting products to better serve all of mankind, and wouldn’t you know it, I came up with a few winners:
FICHE: Know how I got to be so smart? I spent the bulk of my youth in the library. But I’ll admit, my youthful passion for knowledge was damn near nipped in the bud by having to deal with those bloody microfiche machines. Honestly, if they didn’t print microfiche so small, you wouldn’t need a machine to read it, right? And that’s when it hit me: fiche. No \"micro\" to it. Someone needs to make fiche. Don’t worry, these get better.
THE PORNOGRAPH: Okay, so I’m about 161 years too late with this one... but screw it, I still think its old-timey charm will win over even today’s modern crowd. See, in 1844, Samuel Morse invented the telegraph, allowing information to be transmitted over great distances. But what if you wanted to pass along imagery of an erotic nature? By using a series of dots and dashes, my Pornograph allows the user to do exactly that. Let’s say you have acquired a sinful daguerreotype of a comely lass’s exposed ankle and lower calf which you wished to share with your correspondence in Appomattox. Simply tap dash-dot-dash dash-dot dot-dot dash-dot-dash-dot dash-dot-dash dot dot-dash-dot dot-dot-dot, and your lascivious unmentionables could be anywhere this side of the Mason-Dixon! But here’s my real moneymaker:
CHEWCHARIST: Know what the biggest problem with church is? You go there, you eat the bread, drink the wine, and-- BOOM!-- you’re done. That’s all the blessing you get this week. But what if you could make that real Christ flavor last all day? Instead of communion wafers, why not eucharistic chewing gum? Get blessed a little longer, longer with Chewcharist! I’m envisioning a picture of Jesus on the packaging with a giant wad in his cheek, Big League Chew-style.
Seeing as how I knocked these three sure-fire bestsellers out in the span of an afternoon, I can’t wait to see what Vinnie cooked up. I left a message for him to meet me at the patent office so that we can get this money-making machine started. Come to think of it, I’d better stop writing this crap and get going. That place closes earlier than the DMV.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY VINNIE
Note to self: don’t let Fphatty Lamar write down phone messages for me. She isn’t exactly an ace speller. \"Meet me at the patent office\" wound up reading as \"Meet me at the Patton office.\" So that’s where I went.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: \"Why in the hell would anyone build an office in honor of one of the most mentally unstable mid-20th Century American military officers?\" Don’t look for logic in it. Remember, this is America, where wrestlers and movie stars become state governors!
According to the State of California business registry, the Patton office is actually listed as the \"Nottap office\"-- an obvious nod to ol\' G.P.\'s lifelong dyslexia. Contrary to Google search results, it is not a branch office of C&G Savings Bank in Patton, Pennsylvania, but rather a small, nicely designed warehouse space in sunny San Gabriel, California-- birthplace of Gorgeous George himself.
The Patton Office echoes the famed General’s life and personality through and through. The whole place runs on a philosophical mix of New Age sensibilities and stern military discipline. Though none of the employees believe they are Carthaginian General Hannibal or a Napoleonic field marshal reincarnate, the receptionist did admit to feeling a lot like Jim J. Bullock sometimes. I didn’t really have the heart to tell her he’s not dead. Just gay.
So, just what is a Patton office, and what does \"getting Pattoned\" entail?
Well, I don’t really know. Seeing as how I wanted to patent my invention ideas, I wasn’t really prepared for a Patton office experience. And frankly, I’m not sure what happened. Since I’d traveled all that way, I didn’t want the trip to be a complete bust. So, I showed the employees there my ideas. They were persistent and aggressive in their critiques, harassing me verbally and physically for my weaker ideas. They then took to comparing my bad ideas to the Nazis, who they, in turn, compared to losers in American political elections. And then they ran outside, and into oncoming traffic.
After about the third or fourth dead employee, I figured I should go get some coffee or something.
Next time, Fphatty, just connect my calls to voicemail.
artid
2988
Old Image
7_7_vin716.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 07 (mar 2005)
section
stories