First, let me say that I know I\'m more than likely going to get a lot of shit for this month\'s installment of my column. But hey, I\'ve got an opinion, and for some reason you seem to care (I don\'t get it either). So let\'s just humor me this month, okay? Please? If you won\'t do it for me, do it for the whales. Or the dolphins. Or whatever fishy sea creature is all the rage this month. Whatever.
If you\'ve been paying attention to recent events (anytime during the past ten years or so) you may have noticed that the King of Pop (or \"Michael Jackson\" as he is also known) is under a lot of scrutiny now for some alleged indecent acts involving children. I know. I was just as shocked.
But in a world filled with easy one-liners and brainless punch lines, I\'m going to be the one to break the mold and finally say what everyone else is thinking: Michael Jackson is innocent.
Now, don\'t get me wrong here. I\'m not saying he didn\'t give wine to little boys and then finger their body exit, because, well, he did. I\'m not a moron. But let me say that anything improper that Michael Jackson did with children is null and void because he has surpassed being a human, and now exists only in the realm of fictional characters. He\'s right up there with Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and democracy. He\'s a myth, people. A legend. Something parents tell their kids to keep \'em in line: \"Be a good boy and go to sleep, or Michael Jackson will crawl in your bedroom window and make you feel all funny like.\" (NOTE: Michael Jackson is only used for bad little boys. Paula Poundstone is the substitute for naughty little girls.)
Need proof that Michael Jackson is simply a fictional character? No sweat. First of all, he only hangs out with kids. You know who else hangs out with kids? Imaginary friends, that\'s who. And he\'s all about giving gifts to kids and making their dreams come true. Who else does that for children? Hmmm... maybe, Santa? Are those correlations too vague for you? Well, how about the fact that he uses an umbrella whenever he goes out: Mary Poppins. Or that he lives at Neverland: Peter Pan. Or that his skin changes colors: Zartan from G.I. Joe. Or that he has bat-like wings under his arms: El Chupacabra. Or that the public masses have rarely ever seen him out: Snuffleupagus. Actually, scratch that. That was a bad example. Snuffleupagus is real.
But can\'t you see it, man?!? Michael Jackson doesn\'t really exist in our realm! He is a figment of our collective imaginations. A lie we perpetuate to make ourselves feel better about our pitiful lives. A freakish mutant we point and laugh at to avoid looking at ourselves: the man in the mirror, if you will. So if all of that is true, riddle me this, dear reader. How can our judicial system place a fictional character on trial for these supposed improper acts? That would be like placing Dracula on trial for sucking the blood out of saucy tramps. (Never mind the fact that saucy tramps deserve to have the blood sucked out of them.) I can see it now:
Prosecuting Attorney Guy: \"So, Mr. Dracula, did you or did you not suck every last drop of blood from these trampy little vixens? Not that they didn\'t deserve it, of course.\"
Dracula: \"Ummm... blah!!!\"
And then Dracula would jump over the stand and onto Prosecuting Attorney Guy, sucking harder than Ginger Lynn on the job. It\'s just not possible, folks. Why not put God on trial, for crying out loud?!? Somewhere, in some law book there has to be a rule clearly stating that fictional characters cannot be put on trial for anything. It\'s gotta be there somewhere. Especially in the state of California.
So stop all this unjustified and cruel legend-bashing, people! Let\'s all band together and return the legend of Michael Jackson back to the mythical creature he was back in the Eighties. Back to a younger and more innocent time, when he was all about tiger cubs and studded gloves and Emmanuel Lewis.
Oh... man. He was even kinda creepy back then, huh? Damn. So maybe he\'s not a fictional character. Fuck! That blows this whole column to shit. Goddamnit.
Well, still, even if he did get a few kids drunk and then make them touch his (elephant) man trunk, I mean, is that really so bad? The man gave us \"Don\'t Stop \'Till You Get Enough\" and \"P.Y.T.\" for Christ\'s sake! I think that cancels out molestation charges. And that should hold up in a court of law. Probably.