Dear Franklin,
I am so confused; I don\'t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I was heading off to the shower when I saw two of my roommates watching the television with a certain disdain in their eyes. I could tell that they had forgotten the joys and gifts of God, so I quickly put it in my mind that I would rejuvenate their collective essence. Without hesitation, I dropped my towel to bestow upon them my glory and offer them my flesh as both their muse and plaything. Well, wouldn\'t you know it, but my male comrade spit up his alcoholic beverage, threw it at me, and shouted, \"You dumb-fuck! There\'s a lady in the room!\" Alas, there was, and I could feel the anticipation in her eyes for my magic touch; but such was not to be the case, as I soon found myself on the floor with \"Alex\".
We were not entangled in the game of love, but exchanging blows like a couple of drunken dockworkers. I freed myself from the ingrate\'s clutches and ran to the shower. When I finished cleansing my finely-tuned machine, I exited the bathroom and found myself confronted by an officer of the law who asked me to fill out a few forms. I obliged, though I sensed that he too was hoping for a taste of my magic musk.
As it turns out, my roommates are too afraid of their own forbidden desires. Their fear runs so deep that they have asked me to pack up my belongings and find another residence, although I am quite sure that what they are really telling me is that they would like another chance to experience my wonder.
At the house meeting, the tension was so great that I was unsure who I should embrace first, so I began massaging my own genitals in preparation for the lovemaking that was sure to follow. Again, they were too petrified by their fear. Regardless, they no longer wish to speak to me, and as I am somewhat new to this town and do not know anyone, I was wondering if you would be able to post my bail money. I assure you I have many ways of repaying you.
In jail in Vicksburg, Tennessee,
- Kip Lewis
(NOTE TO READER: Franklin has just completed his doctorate in lovology. In addition to us having to actually call him \"Doctor\" now, he has decided to flex his skills and attempt to answer two letters at once, so keep reading for his response.)
Dear Franklin,
Man, you would\'ve never guessed what happened to me the other night. I was the envy of every college-aged man in the world. Yep, the whole world. I found myself drinking and playing \"Truth or Dare\" with two hot, young bitches. That\'s right, boyee, I was in the house and getting my serious groove on!
I could tell that the ladies were afraid of my masculinity, what with all the times they called for \"truth\"; but I wasn\'t going to let a little fear get in the way of me getting it on. So as soon as it was my turn to pick someone\'s \"dare\"-- it was the stacked brunette!-- I dared myself to do a striptease! That\'s right, I don\'t play around. See, when I got my mind set on some serious double-mint action, I got my mind set on some serious double-mint action.
Well, the problem is that as soon as I was ready for some play, they decided to continue playing the game. I know what you\'re thinking: Why weren\'t they all over me after my Swayze-esque performance? Well, obviously they were afraid to take the plunge into my pool of love. In fact, I have had many women tell me that they were afraid of me touching them for fear that the overwhelming power of my touch alone would have them spitting out triplets every day until they were 97 years old.
So I told a few jokes to break the ice and spread their legs, and-- BAM!!!-- oh, man... I was the luckiest man alive that night. The funny thing is that I had this weird thought afterward of, \"What if these two girls I work with hadn\'t let me bang them after seeing my junk?\" It was such a funny thought because it is so far from the truth that I can\'t even believe it, but I thought you might get a kick out of it.
Ummm, maybe there is someone out there who isn\'t as laid-back with the ladies as I am, and maybe they have shared this experience as well, but maybe they didn\'t have the results that I had. Man, I can\'t even imagine how much of a loser you would have to be to get rejected by two girls you work with after you stripped in front of them. But, hey, people used to think the world was flat, right? So, ummm, maybe you have some advice for that guy who has to go back to work and see those girls again. I understand if you don\'t have time to waste on losers like that, but I sure bet it would be good for a few laughs if you gave a serious answer.
Too cool for school in St. Paul,
- Paul Deveraux
(Franklin Furter, PhD. unfortunately has to reschedule his appointment with you, his dear reader, but is quite certain he can squeeze you in between 10:20 and 10:40 next Thursday. Of course, there will be a $25 rescheduling fee, but if you have an emergency, he will be happy to answer any of your questions from his home number which is 1-900-LOV-OLGY.)
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.