admin
22 December 2023
This month’s bit of advice is going to be short and sweet. I’ll get right to the point: if you are a man, do not wear tank tops.
I mean it; I really do. I had assumed that this little tidbit of information was born into every human; an innate sense similar to the one that tells you not to lick fire. But apparently this isn’t so, and if you’ve ever been to Disney World you’d know I’m right. There’s something about 90+ degree temperatures and 100% humidity that dupes grown men into believing shirts without sleeves are acceptable-- worse yet, sexy! But believe me, what results is more \"funk\" than \"hunk\".
About 3% of women are able to pull it off because they are delicate little creatures who flit around and get a cute little \"glow\" rather than sweat. Oh, and the part that really sells it is that the general public is that much closer to seeing said flitting creature’s tits.
Men, on the other hand, are not cute. They range from painfully gawky drips to fur-ridden ogres. I don’t know about you, but neither of these body types have ever given me a jonesin’ to see more. I’ve never been in line for Thunder Mountain and eyed the 300-pound hot-pink-tank-top-wearing man behind me, thinking, \"Oh, yeah... yeah! Raise your arms up just a little higher so I can see me some of that delicious man titty!\" Nope, it doesn’t happen.
Even if a fella has the physique of a classical Greek sculpture, he’s also forbidden from wearing the garment-- it just comes across as an unsettling combination of being a showoff and white trash. And no matter what a guy’s build is, he still don’t get no cute girlie \"glow\"-- he sweats like a beast. And for some reason, men in tank tops tend to smell like an onion field three weeks past harvest time. Studies haven’t concluded yet whether onion-patch pits lead to tank top wearing, or if tank tops lead to patch pits. But either way, it’s safe to say there’s a definite correlation.
And I won’t even go into the armpit hair factor-- I think it’s enough to say that no one on Earth likes being eye to eye with an armpit overflowing with something similar to a Seventies\' porn star\'s bush-- one with deodorant dingleberries, no less.
So I beg you, men (and women with men-like components), keep your arms buried where they were meant to be, no matter how hot it is or how hot you think you are. It’s a known fact that on the seventh day God rested... but not before he created the sleeve. You wouldn’t want to disappoint God, would you?
artid
3036
Old Image
7_8_fphatty.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 08 (apr 2005)
section
stories