admin
22 December 2023
Hey Iran,
It’s me again. I wanted to write you personally, because I know how you hate mass emails. Plus, I don’t think you read it anyway. If you did, you wouldn’t be acting like such a baby right now: \"Waahhh, I want nuclear energy! Why do you and Europe get to be the only ones running with 21st-Century efficiency?!? Where’s the justice in that?!?\"
Duh! Like, how about because we love Jesus, and Jesus loves nuclear fuel?!? You don’t love Jesus. You love Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or whatever.
Plus, there is no \"justice\". There is only Zuul. But that’s neither here nor there.
No, my little oceanless beach bums, what is here and there is this super-sexy offer the ol\' You\'re-a-peein\' You-onion and I made you, in hopes that you’d be all like, \"Whoa! Nuclear energy programs are bogus!\" We hoped you would want to stop developing yours right then and there.
First, we said we’d agree to talks about allowing your uncooperative asses into the WTO. Now, granted, that’s a totally gay bribe, but it looks real good on paper. Honestly (and I\'m not that way often), I’d pass up on that one, too, if I were you.
But the second offer... man, I don’t know how you could pass that up. We offered to consider once again allowing you to purchase spare civilian aircraft parts. Now, I’m not sure why we banned you from doing that in the first place. I think that was Ol\' Man Reagan’s doing. But we can’t be held responsible for that old kook. He was out of his gourd! For God’s sake, he banned Jamaica from electrocuting pudding!
This isn’t just a chance for you to stop making planes out of camels and sand. This is a chance for you to fulfill every grown man’s dream: YOU COULD FINALLY BUILD A TEN-STORY ROBOT! And not just any robot: a Muslim robot. That’d be pretty sweet, if you ask me. Allah would be stoked.
Just imagine the look on insurgents\' faces when they try and uprise, and you sic the Akbot-3000 on their sorry, Kalashnikov-wielding asses! He’ll be all like, \"No virgins for you!\" And then-- ZAP!-- dead rebels.
I can hear you smiling already. Even under your unnecessarily long, Ayatollah-like beards.
This is progress light years beyond stupid nuclear energy, y’all. This is the stuff Obi-Wan Kenobi dreams about! And who’s giving you this huge technological step forward? Us-- the Eurapeekin Yoohoo, and the United States of America. Yes, the Jesus-loving peoples you often refer to as \"devils\" and \"pig dogs\" are helping you build a robot that every man, woman, and cleric could be proud of.
It will be a glorious day when you unveil it to the world. And an even more glorious one when we send our priest robot over there to open your Muslim robot\'s eyes to the glory of Christ\'s teachings. Please, Iran, consider our new offer. Remember: there is no \"I\" in \"world peace\". And as it stands right now, there doesn’t seem to be an \"Iran\" in it either.
artid
3038
Old Image
7_8_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 08 (apr 2005)
section
stories