admin
22 December 2023
Bachelor parties are never pretty. Often they are a sordid affair, and the details are either kept between the participants or lost in a collective alcohol-induced amnesia. When my main man Randy Flamingo was getting ready to tie the knot, take the plunge, get hitched, and sign away his bachelorhood, we put together an event that none of us could quite recall the next day. After piecing together some fragmented memories, I realized that what I witnessed that night was nothing short of a goddamn miracle.
I\'d been friends with the bachelor since our freshman year in the dorms, so I wanted to get him good and F\'ed up, you know? We all got together and hired a van to get us to the ta-ta bar, and on the way I got out a bottle of Maker\'s Mark to make sure that he was good and sauced from the moment he walked in the door.
Somehow, this place was B.Y.O.B., so we took full advantage. Plus, it turns out that they had some stupid ritual for bachelor parties, where they take the bachelor up on stage and make an asshole out of him. We all got some dough together and paid the bouncers for it, which was good, because at that point they were about to throw our bachelor out for being passed out in a chair.
While we\'re waiting for this mob of strippers to drag him up on stage, he gets up, staggers to the bathroom, and power-vomits all over one of the stalls. Again, the bouncers want to throw him out, but can\'t because we paid for the bachelor treatment.
So they finally get him up on stage and run through the motions: the announcer rips on him, the strippers tear the elastic off his undies and tie it around his head, and they all shake their titties in his face while making fun of his ding-dong. What made this memorable, though, was that the dirtiest stripper of them all-- \"Sterling\"-- grabs him by the back of his head and starts beating the fuck out of him with her right tit. She is just slamming this thing in his face, man, like she can\'t feel a thing. Not just once or twice, but over and over, like a pro wrestler putting his opponent\'s head into a turnbuckle. If it were in slow-motion we could have seen the beads of sweat and vomit dribble flying off of his face with each devastating blow. He almost fell out of the chair.
So he wakes up the next morning for his wedding and has blood dripping out of his nose from a savage beating with a fake tit. Then he got married. Another Al Bundy is made.
artid
3055
Old Image
7_8_trouble.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 08 (apr 2005)
section
pen_think