admin
22 December 2023
Quick! Somebody put a severed dick in my bologna sandwich, because I wanna get my sue on!
Oh, don\'t look at me like that. Like I\'m some sick bastard just because I\'d bite into a dick if it meant that I could then file a meaty (pun intended) lawsuit. I\'d like to meet one person that wouldn\'t love to have an opportunity like that fall into their lap. Or their mouth.
Like that lady that dove into a warm cup of human-finger chili from Wendy\'s. Regardless of whether her story is true or not, when that story hit the news, every person on this fine planet instantaneously had two quick thoughts.
First: \"Holy fucking shit! That\'s disgusting!\"
Immediately followed by: \"Lucky bitch. Why can\'t shit like that happen to me?!? I\'d chew my mom\'s ear off for a cool million, for crying out loud!\"
I don\'t mean to sound like an 80-year-old grandpa, but unwarranted lawsuits are more prevalent now than ever before. And yeah, they\'re screwing shit up big time. But how does that classic old saying go? \"If you can\'t beat Dubya\'s head in with a baseball bat, and it\'s the second full-moon of the year, but just after a rerun episode of Gilmore Girls, then join \'em.\" I don\'t really know who \"\'em\" are, but as long as they have a good lawyer, I\'ll hang with their gang.
So I\'ve just been sitting here these past few hours compiling a list of lawsuits I\'m currently seeking legal counsel to help me out with. So if you\'re a lawyer (a good lawyer), and you think I have a case with any of the following items, please feel free to contact me through my email address. However, just know that I never hire a lawyer whose name appears after the ampersand in the law firm\'s name. So, for instance, if you are \"Clam\" at the law firm of \"Hari, Bakand & Clam\", forget about it. Hari and Bakand, you\'re cool. But I\'m not down with Clam. Well, I mean, I am down with clam, but not like... oh, fuck it. Never mind.
Anyway, here\'s the list of lawsuits I\'m currently looking to bring to court:
WAYNE\'S LIST OF SUPER-DOPE LAWSUITS HE WANTS TO FUCKING CASH IN ON SO HE CAN QUIT MAKING THIS RAG AND CONCENTRATE ON HIS NEW PROFESSION: SNORTING COKE OFF OF STRIPPER\'S ASSCRACKS
1. I want to sue Michael Jackson because he never touched me as a child. If he did, I could have sued him and been living in the lap of luxury by now. But because of his selfishness, I have to live a normal life and work for a living.
2. I want to sue the host of Nickelodeon\'s Double Dare, Marc Summers, because I always wanted to have a chance to pick a flag out of that giant nose they had in the final round, but Marc never wrote me back when I was a kid. Because of that tragic letdown at such a young age, I now burst into tears every time I see a nose. Even my own.
3. I want to sue the Rally\'s fast food chain, because I\'m fairly sure I will be diagnosed with some horrible organ-eating disease in the future, and I\'m almost 93.6% positive that it will have been due solely to their Big Buford burger. Sandwich of the Devil, I tell you!
4. I want to sue my fellow TLC staffer Vinnie Baggadonuts because he wears goggles, and goggles remind me of HIV-positive Olympic diver Greg Louganis, which reminds me that Magic Johnson also has HIV, which reminds me of the time I was watching Animaniacs back in the early Nineties, when they cut into programming for Magic\'s press conference to announce that he was HIV positive, which made me miss a really funny skit with Wakko and Dot. Lemme get this straight, Magic. You cheat on your wife, get HIV in the process, and then break into my fucking cartoon time to cry about it?!? Boo-hoo, biatch! Why not break into an episode of L.A. Law, ya cheatin\' man-whore?!? And quit wearing those fucking goggles, Vinnie!
5. I want to sue NASA, just because I think they probably have a lot of money, because it\'s gotta cost fat dough to shoot a motherfucker up into space (fake), and then bring him back down in a fiery ball that crashes into the Earth.
6. And finally, I would like to sue both of my parents, Ronald and Lisbeth, for not waiting until they were both rich before they had me. You know how easy my life would be right now if both of my folks were loaded? I\'d be as set as that syphilis-riddled Britney\'s soon-to-be-more-spoiled-than-Paris brat child!
Man, that would be one hell of a paternity test episode of Maury, wouldn\'t it?
The Maury: \"Kevin, in the case of Britney\'s child, you are the father! And so is Kid Rock. And Dennis Franz. And that guy from the \'Can you hear me now?\' commercials.\"
Man, I should write about that this month instead. That\'s it! If this article ends up running in the next issue, I\'m suing TLC!
Bitches.
artid
3085
Old Image
7_9_wayne.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 09 (may 2005)
section
stories