Wal-Mart may be rolling back the prices, but every time I leave one of their stores I feel like I have to roll back the layers of flesh filth that cling to my body with every visit.
I know what you\'re thinking: \"But Wayne! Yeah, Wal-Mart may be a dung heap of evil Americana, but they have such great prices on DVDs/glue/Pictionary/shotguns/Lucky Charms!\" To which I would say, \"Doesn\'t it seem weird to you at all that you can purchase sugary, marshmallow-filled kiddie cereal and a shotgun in the same store?\"
Let\'s admit it here, folks: Wal-Mart is the store we\'re all ashamed to shop at. Or at least you should be. If you\'re not, you should be put to sleep. And chances are that buttered-death and burnt hot dog smell that permeates everything inside of a Wal-Mart is going to do it to you much faster than cancer ever could. Or mad cow disease. Or the new Herbie movie.
Yes, Wal-Mart is the Kmart of today.
I don\'t know where or when you grew up (let\'s just say it was in a brothel in the 1560s), but around these parts we had a name for people that shopped at Kmart, and that name started with a \"T\" and ended with a \"RASH\"! Where I\'m from, if a kid was dragged into a Kmart by his parents he would usually bring either an old Halloween mask or a metal bucket to cover his shameful head while walking through the electronic doors (that rarely worked). And do you know what would happen if a kid were actually seen walking into a Kmart, and then spotted the next day at school wearing a new article of clothing?!? That\'s right, they\'d stab that kid\'s eyes out with those big, fat, retarded pencils. Huskys, I believe they were called. I saw it once, man. Wasn\'t pretty. Vitreous humor everywhere.
Of course, now Kmart has this new image, which is basically the same crappy image they had before, but now it just has Martha Stewart stickers thrown all over everything. This doesn\'t make it any more classy, of course. It just makes the trash feel good that they can afford an item that has a somewhat famous person\'s name on it. (The French Stewart Hand Creme never quite caught on, nor did the Patrick Stewart BBQ Grill Set.)
So what is it exactly about Wal-Mart that is gross? Well, have you looked at their employees lately? Or their customers? And if you shop there regularly, have you looked at yourself recently? And if so, do you need a bath? And if you\'re not too shabby on the eyes, can I give it to you? And can I be naked, too? And can we call up my good friend and actor Stephen Baldwin?
Wait a minute, my Wal-Mart rant is turning into a valentine. Must get back to the point!
Let me try and sum it up for you: Wal-Mart is like... it\'s like walking into a warehouse that is filled from floor to ceiling in stale pudding, and floating within that pudding are little creatures and alien beings that occasionally brush up against your leg in the moist darkness, reminding you that while you may feel extremely alone mentally, you are never truly alone here. They\'re watching you. Waiting. Hoping that you\'ll head straight for the five-dollar DVD bin... because that\'s where they attack!!!
I\'m sure I\'m not winning any fans right now because approximately 19 brillion Americans are employed by Wal-Mart, and 182 fajillion shop there every single day. And that\'s alright, I guess, if it\'s all you have near you. But think of it kind of like living at home with your folks: it\'s okay while you have to do it, but it\'s kinda sad when you don\'t have to. So keep your eyes open, dear consumer, and try to begin to ween yourself off the dank stank tank that is Wal-Mart.
And for those of you that think it\'s cool to shop there, be warned. You better dig up an old Halloween mask or metal bucket, because I\'ve got a box full of Huskys and a gigantic pencil sharpener with your name on it. No, really. It has your name on it. Did you leave it at my house last weekend when you visited? Let me know.
* Of course, after we run this article I don\'t expect Wal-Mart to ever advertise with us. Ever.
** However, Target may send \"thank yous\" (bribes) in the form of check or cash to my attention. Cool?