admin
22 December 2023
I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail lately regarding everything, from the ban on medicinal marijuana to our Guantanamo generals peeing on someone else’s holy book. And believe you me, I want to address each and every letter, most likely in a well-scripted, televised address. But before I get to work on any of this, I need to address the single-most important issue people all over the world have been concerned with these last few years: THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK!
Ohmanohmanohman! Paint me black and call me \"magic\", \'cause I’m more excited than Halliburton in a Third World country! I love Harry Potter. Yeah, I know he’s a preteen boy with a magic stick who wears long, flowing robes, but I wasn’t raised by priests. I don’t love him like that! I love him like Big Bird loves Snuffleupagus, or Tom Cruise loves men. Harry Potter is my nigga.
I guess I’ll have to get the book, and by \"get\" I mean call up Rumsfield, invade Barnes & Noble, confiscate all their copies, destroy all but one of them, and then give that one to Laura to read to me. What, you thought I’d read it myself? Please... presidents don’t read. That’s why we get married. We run the country, and the wives run the kitchen, the bedroom, and the educating of me!
I’ll also have to take some time off, get my cloak hemmed, see if Laura knows where my Harry Potter glasses are, and call up my old friend Ron Howard and see if he’s ready to dress up like that rubber-lipped retard Ron Weasley again and stand in line at the midnight sale with me. Last time, I even talked ol\' Darth Rehnquist into dressing up like Dobby, even though he looks more like Griphook. He didn’t stand in line with us, though. He doesn’t really stand anywhere much anymore.
God, this is the best news I’ve heard all week! I’ll have to see if ol\' Dicky-poo N. Cheney-too is up for running the country... a little bit longer. I\'ve got too much Hogwart’s on the brain to be responsible!
See you next month, Muggles!
artid
3182
Old Image
7_11_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 7 - issue 11 (jul 2005)
section
stories