LEMON BABY

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Alice and Neville Thornfoot of Blackpool were married in a small ceremony during a thunderstorm in Stroud. The so-called happy union was witnessed by Alice\'s mother, along with Pat and Neville\'s maid, Beatrice.

While honeymooning in Polynesia, Alice and Neville sat along white beaches, sipped cold drinks, and spoke not one word to each other. Alice ordered more and more room service as Neville sat reading Naked Economics, and paged through Strangers At The Gate: Social Disorder In South China.

While Alice sipped an ice-cold glass of lemonade and enjoyed the Tahitian sunset, an enormous lemon seed managed to sneak its way past her teeth and tongue, traveling quickly down her trachea, and nesting in her stomach. She gasped for air for a moment, enjoying the dramatic scene of possibly choking to death, but she soon realized that the seed had already made the journey into her belly. She began to whine.

\"My god!\" she panicked. \"I swallowed a lemon seed, Neville! What should I do? What should I do?\" Her breathing became quick, and she began fanning her face so as not to faint.

Neville finally glanced in her direction and replied, \"My dear, it\'s fine. Don\'t you worry about that lemon seed. It shan’t do you any harm.\"

Her panic attack was quickly halted by the sight of a small Tahitian man who walked by selling flowers and candy. Alice quickly grabbed Neville\'s wallet from the table, taking the wad of cash from it, and ran over to the vendor.

The rest of the honeymoon, while just as uneventful, still was somehow the \"best time\" of their lives.

Three weeks after arriving home from Tahiti, Alice\'s belly had grown to the size of a basketball. Odd cravings plagued her, and her face broke out with tiny bumps. A quick trip to the doctor, and a pregnancy diagnosis had been made.

\"Pregnant? I can\'t be pregnant. Neville and I haven\'t even consummated our marriage yet. This is impossible!\"

Visions of The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus began passing through her mind.

\"It must be something else. I can\'t have a baby inside of me.\" She demanded an ultrasound.

As the doctor dragged his cold, wet wand over Alice\'s tummy, a tiny heartbeat fluttered from inside. It was definitely a baby, but the doctor\'s reaction to what showed on the screen made his face crooked.

\"It seems, Mrs. Thornfoot, that your child has grown at an unbelievably fast rate, as well as taken the shape of what appears to be... ummm... a lemon.\"

The doctor didn\'t know how else to put it.

Alice looked at Neville with Satanic eyes. \"Won\'t harm me at all, huh? Neville!\"

Two days later, their lemon baby was born. He weighed in at ten pounds, seven ounces, and was as yellow as the sea is wide. Alice and Neville kept everything about their new bundle of joy hidden from all family, friends, and media. It was a travesty to not only have a child so early in their marriage, let alone one that was made of citrus.

Two days hadn\'t even passed when little Lemon, as they both called him, had been ignored by Alice and fallen off of his chair, hitting his side on the corner of the dresser on his way down. A shriek filled the house, and Alice ran into the living room to find Lemon on the floor with a tiny pool of yellow liquid at his side.

Apprehensively, Alice picked up Lemon Baby and held him close to her, trying to shut him up as best she could. Slowly, he calmed down, and was soon off playing with his cardboard box again. As Alice began to wipe the small mess made by Lemon\'s accident, she decided to see just what her child\'s secretion tasted like. She dipped her finger in and brought it to her tongue.

\"Oh my goodness!\"

It was the sweetest and most satisfying taste she had ever tasted, and it gave her an overwhelming feeling of incredible happiness. A light bulb appeared over her head, and a look of pure evil came over her face. She turned her head, looking at the giant lemon playing on her living room floor.

That night, Neville came home from work exhausted and hating the world. Alice sat him down, handed him a small glass, and told him to relax and have a drink. Within one sip, Neville\'s mood lifted, and he kept raving about how great his drink tasted.

\"What is it?\" he asked Alice, intrigued.

\"It\'s your son! Can you believe it?!?\"

\"Oh, my. That is tasty. Interesting.\"

Alice and Neville waited two years, hoping that Lemon would grow as a normal child does. But it never happened. Alice and Neville finally decided it was time.

Neville did the job himself. He smothered Lemon as he slept, carried him into the claw-foot tub of their third-floor bathroom, and squeezed him dry. He and Alice had constant euphoria for almost two years straight.

Lemon\'s rind was laid to rest in the dirt of a citrus grove in Valencia, Spain.