QUOTH THE DUBYA, ''NEVERMORE...''

Books were evil, in my opinion; not made by God, not meant for man. All they did was put crazy insane-o thoughts in perfectly good, potential Republican minds. Stuff like, \"Maybe God’s not real!\" \"Maybe Big Brother is watching!\" \"Maybe I’m amazed at the way you touch me all the time!\"

Truth is, there were only two books I’d allow in my house: The King James Bible and Trucker Stud. Then Laura (Wifey Smurf) gave me this: Bart Lett’s Familiar Quotations. Have you ever read it? It’s pretty damn good. I mean, ol\' Bart didn’t exactly write the Great American Novel here, but he did write some mean dialogue. Let’s call him \"Talky Smurf\".

And just between you and me, I sound a lot smarter when I use other people’s words. Here’s an example:

Reporter (Newsy Smurf): Mr. President, the American death toll in Iraq is rising to record numbers at an ever-accelerating rate. What are you doing to prevent any additional future loss?

Me: Help me, Obi-Wan. You’re my only hope.

Hoo-whee! Now that’s some answerin’! And I owe it all to beautiful Bart Lett. Actually, I owe it to Bart and Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Polio Smurf), our 32nd president. After all, those were his words of wisdom.

Here-- watch again:

Reporter: Mr. President, many are speculating that you’ll take preemptive action in Iran, Syria, and North Korea. Is this true?

Me: I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant\'s faithful, one hundred percent.

Brilliant! This puppy also came in handy at the Gee-Ate Summit. When a couple of Chinamen (General Tso Smurf) asked me what measures I was taking to \"...hepp deveroping countries,\" I told ‘em, \"I have a dream... a dream where we will, we will rock you. A dream where nobody puts Baby in a corner, and what’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.\"

And I’ll be hog-tied to Horatio Sanz if the round of applause I got on that one wasn’t bigger than the camel toe on Vladimir Putin’s wife (Swollen Smurf)! Those Chinamen got what for, and then some! Thank you, Mr. Lett!

So this is it, people: a brand-new Dubya. A smarter, gentler Dubya. I believe it was former CCAD River Otter towel boy Jeff McDonald who said, \"I am the Polish Prince of Penis.\"

Truer words were never spoken.

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