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22 December 2023
One is a certifiable genius. The other is Vinnie. Together, they are two of the most brilliant inventors in all of Pangaea. Wayne recognized this, and has given them a column to share with you the wonders of their progressive, modern minds.
THIS PART WAS WRITTEN BY VINNIE
#716, my good man, Ace Of Base aren\'t the only ones who saw a sign. I, myself, was lucky enough to receive not one, not two, but-- no. Actually, it was just one sign.
It all begins with my friend Sarah\'s wedding this past week. There I am, sitting at the wedding, waiting for our sign. Well, actually, I was just watching the wedding. But I figured a church would be a pretty good place to possibly receive a sign. Then I realized, this wedding is not taking place at a church. There wasn\'t even a priest there. And since I\'m easily defeated, I gave up and went to the bar.
And that\'s where the magic happened, old chum. Do you know what they sell at the bar? Yes, beer. Wine also. But most important of all? Spirits. Spirits, #716. How did I miss this?!? Nearly a decade of poisoning my liver at these overpriced addiction gardens and not once did I ever realize you could purchase something so otherworldly here. So I said to the man behind the bar, \"Are you the keeper of the spirits?\" He nodded, and handed me a small glass chalice that looked similar to a brandy sifter. It was filled with a brown, strong-smelling liquid that reminded me a lot of brandy. \"That\'ll be five bucks,\" he said.
The spirit has a name!
So I asked him, \"Spirit keeper, what do I do with this \'Five Bucks\'?\" And he says, \"You drink it, ass.\"
That\'s when I knew this was no bartender. He was a mystic shaman. A keeper of the spirits. Not only did he give me my spirit, but he told me how to channel its true power. So drink it I did.
After a few moments of nothing happening, I said, \"Oh, wise medicine man, nothing is happening.\" So he poured me another. And another. And soon, #716, I was overwhelmed with the spirits and their magic. The world shed its deceptive skin and doubled itself, spinning all around me. Gravity pulled me closer to Mother Earth\'s grassy breast and sent me into a journey not unlike blacking out and throwing up all over yourself. When I woke up, I knew I\'d been given a sign. But of what?
Help me, Obi-Wan. You\'re my only hope.
THIS NEXT PART WAS WRITTEN BY #716
You\'ve come to the right man, Vincent. I\'m especially proficient at deciphering the meaning behind spiritual phenomena.
So let\'s see... you say that this occurred while you were at the bar. You imbibed this mysterious supernatural liquid and slipped the shackles of consciousness. And when you returned to your physical form on a lawn down the street from the tavern, expelled from your place at the bar, you say that you knew it was a sign? If I were to hazard a guess, I would think the sign said you\'ve got to have a membership card to get inside. Huuah!
But it\'s a weird coincidence that this would happen to you now, Vinnie, for I too have recently received a sign. Signs, actually-- the plural type. As my garbage man, Joe Diffie, would say: \"Life\'s so funny.\"
I received my Signs two weeks ago in the form of a small plastic disc, from a friend who apparently isn\'t aware that my birthday is not August 19th. After loading the disc into a suitable playback machine, I watched in amazement as an aging anti-priest and his harelip brother were terrorized by corn-bending aliens. As the program drew to a close nearly two hours later, I sat back, stunned. I had just been given Signs, but what did they mean?
So I hit the library for some good ol\' painstaking research. I started with the aliens; just what were they meant to represent? I traced the word back to the Latin root, alienus, meaning \"foreign\". But foreign what? I knew the vision wouldn\'t be so literal as to actually mean foreign life. Foreign customs, maybe? Foreign thought?
I pondered that one for a moment as I moved on to my next subject: water. In the vision, water was used to kill the aliens. Again, it seemed too literal for the water to simply represent death, as it was viewed in ancient pagan cultures. Perhaps it was an allusion to baptism, itself a ceremony of initiation and acceptance?
Water was used on aliens... should I take in foreign ideas? Such as the aliens\' fixation on damaging corn, itself a symbol of growth, fertility, and reproduction? I should open my mind to violence towards my offspring....
Is M. Night Shyamalan telling me to beat my children?
artid
3334
Old Image
8_1_vin716.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 01 (sep 2005)
section
stories