Franklin,
I\'m about at my wit\'s end, see? I gots me this dame and she\'s all about sex, which I dig, but she can\'t stand the aftermath. It\'s like this: I can\'t cum in her \'cuz babies be poppin\' up, I can\'t cum on her \'cuz she gets all wigged out by the slime, she won\'t take it in the mouth \'cuz she don\'t like the flava, and I can\'t even cum on the sheets \'cuz she don\'t like the mess. Throw me a rope, drop me a line. Am I just a sucker wastin\' his time?
- Terrible T from Tucson
Well, T, it does sound like you have yourself a quandary there. I mean, for starters, what are you? At first I thought you were a pulp detective or maybe some sort of strange beatnik, and then you seemed to turn into a really bad gangster rapper. Actually, you sound more like the homeless guy down by the corner store who insists on using rhyming couplets to beg for change: \"I ain\'t gonna shout, I ain\'t gonna holler, I\'ll buy me a 40 if ya give me a dollar.\" Never mind. I suppose I was a young person at one time, so let\'s get to the heart of the matter.
Some girls just aren\'t that receptive to semen, and there\'s not much you can do about it other than find another girl or obey her wishes. Assuming the eyes, ears, and nose are also off limits, I would suggest that you try using a condom or maybe try keeping an old towel by the side of the bed. Another thing to try would be to decrease the amount of potassium in your diet, curb your water intake, and increase your salt intake so that you will actually produce less... wait a second. Is this actually my job? Did I actually spend all that time working on my Doctorate of Lovology to spend my days writing about the male ejaculate? Actually, I did. What in the hell was I thinking?
Good luck, T. I\'m sure you\'ll figure it out.
Dear Franklin,
I am a newlywed who has married the most wonderful man in the world. The only problem is that by taking his hand in marriage I also took on the burden of his demanding mother. \"Judy\" criticizes me relentlessly, from the amount of paprika I put in my egg salad to the number of tulips I planted on our walkway. I can\'t stand the negative energy this woman emanates, but my husband insists in having a visit every Sunday. Franklin, this woman actually makes me fear the day I make her a grandmother. What should I do?
Upset in Nashville,
- Wendy Orlando
Wendy, you sound like a reasonable and strong-willed woman. I understand the trouble you are going through and how difficult a time you may be having. I think she is going through jealousy issues and post-martum depression. I mean, who could seriously have a problem with such a bland spice as paprika? It is going to take a lot of pride-swallowing and tolerance for you to get through the most difficult times, but I suspect there will never be complete harmony. You might want to talk this through with your husband and try and get the visits down to once or twice a month. Honestly, this is the 21st Century, and who really needs all the trouble?
You may be interested to know that an independent study conducted by the University of Michigan has actually uncovered that the most wonderful man in the world is none other than Mark Espat, the Minister of Tourism to Belize. I normally wouldn\'t suggest this, but since there are not children involved yet I think you should go for the gold. Sure, you may be asking yourself, \"How is it possible that I could have been so wrong?\" But universities are paid to be smart. Normal people just can\'t compete. Still unsure? Well, why don\'t you just check out his website. Wendy, I know this may be a confusing time for you, but I\'m sure you will do the right thing.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.