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22 December 2023
It just occurred to me: If the Vice President broke his leg, we could call him \"Limp Dick Cheney\". That’s pretty funny, hey?
Right. The point: I was sitting in the Oval Office this morning, drinking Ovaltine, and thought, \"Today, this is the Ovaltine Office.\" Then I laughed. I snort when I laugh. Did you know that? It’s true.
Anyway, I was real busy, doing something, when \"Limpy\" popped up on my AOL Instant Messenger:
TheRealPres: Yo! Junior! It\'s Mr. Cheney. You busy?
DirtySanchez1946: What’s \"busy\"?
TheRealPres: Great. We’re going to Target. It’s Halloween costume time!
DirtySanchez1946: LOL! Totes! See ya\' in six! TTFN!
See, in years prior, we would go alone and let our costumes be a surprise. Then last year happened. Condolizzard and Rumsfield both came as David Duke. I can’t have mistakes like that be made on my watch.
So, Target. What fun! We scored big-time this year:
- Hot Karl Rove found a sweet-ass Beyonce costume. He’s going as \"Destiny’s Fat Child\".
- Condoleezza just bought a fake moustache. She’s gonna utilize that open front door of a space between her teeth, and tease her hair out into the afro she was born with, to be Isaac-- the bartender from The Love Boat.
- Justice Roberts was going to paint up half of himself as Roe and the other half as Wade, but that spontaneous little shit came up with an even better idea at the store: a little makeup, a little black wax on his front teeth, a cucumber stuffed into his trousers, and voila! He’s Condoleezza!
- Dick and Donnie Rumsfieldstiltskin bought matching sky-blue tights, yellow boots, and face masks, to go as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. Donnie keeps joking he’s going to buy a bridal veil and drive them to Massachusetts, where it’s legal! Those guys! Frickin’ comedians, I tell you....
- And me? Well, if you’ve ever been around any foreign military commanders you’ll learn they have a nickname for me: \"The Angry Inch\". Rather than nuke \'em, I thought I’d roll with the punches and live up to the name. So, one teased blonde wig, some silver lamé, and thirteen pounds of makeup later, I was that gender-bending glam-rock hellion, Hedwig. Laura said she’d never seen a prettier woman, and with the way she ravaged me after I tried it on, you’d think she played for the \"other team\", if you know what I’m sayin\'!
Hopefully, you’ll have as much fun on Halloween as we will. Actually, I don’t really care what you do.
artid
3347
Old Image
8_2_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 02 (oct 2005)
section
stories