Trick or treat, boys and girls; screeches and screams, ladies and gentlemen. October is a month of decorative squash and mischievous costumes, playful \"boos\" and terrifying frights. But in lieu of giving out my traditional Maple Glazed Candied Candy Corn Loaf recipe, I am going to share with you a story befitting of the season. It is a most terrifying and gruesome tale, perhaps one to turn your frightened hearts to stone. It is all too horrible and all too true.
It was a dark and stormy All Hallow\'s Eve. The wind was howling and the bones of my old house were creaking tenaciously. A doozie of a storm was on its way. I had curled up on my davenport to spend the evening with some popcorn, a nice aged bottle of Boone\'s Farm, and my Best Of Danny Kaye DVD. Danny’s sweet voice had lulled me to sleep, but I awoke sometime around midnight to a strange and haunting sound. It started as a whisper that sent icy cold chills down my spine.
\"Hhhiiilll...\"
There was a deafening crack of thunder.
\"Ovapaaar...\"
The breathy voice continued. A blinding bolt of lighting illuminated the room just before stealing the power, leaving me in complete darkness.
\"Aid!\"
The voice asserted and then faded away. I frantically grabbed my Glade™ Peach Schnapps Symphony votive candle, and then tried to locate the sound of the eerie voice.
\"Hhhiiilll...\"
It began again.
\"Ovapaaar...\"
It was coming from upstairs.
\"Aid!\"
I made my way to the bottom of the stairs. As my feet began the climb, my ears rung with the ominous sounds.
\"Hhhiiilll...\"
My heart raced.
\"Ovapaaar... aid!\"
Whatever it was, it was speaking faster.
\"Hhiill...\"
I had reached the top of the stairs.
\"Ovapaar...\"
The storm outside furiously twisted the trees and screamed at my windows.
\"Aid!\"
What was this strange creature saying? What could it possibly want from me?
\"Hhiill... ovapaaar... aid!\"
It was coming from the bedroom. My trembling fingers felt their way along the hall to the doorway of my room.
\"Hhiillovapaaaraid!\"
I took a deep breath and stepped into the darkened room. I could tell the voice was coming from the closet.
\"Hhiillovapaaaraid!\"
Going deeper into the darkened room, my heart told me to turn back. My body shook so horribly from fear that my Peach Schnapps wax spilled onto the floor, but I knew I had to find out who or what was possessing my house. Before I knew it, the closet door loomed in front of me. I could hear the beast breathing deeply, ready to begin its chant again. But before it had the chance and before I could change my mind, I grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and flung the wooden barrier open.
With a crack of thunder, I heard the brief buzz of the electricity come back on. Suddenly the room was flooded with light, and I could finally see what had been tormenting me.
It was Nathan Lane! He was in my closet singing show tunes and trying on my shoes!!!
\"I LOVE A PARADE!\"
he belted out while wearing mismatched Jimmy Choos.Can you believe it?!? I know, I can’t either! It wasn’t until after we had gone downstairs, given each other avocado facial masks, and done several shots of tequila that my heart returned to its normal pace.
So there you have it, friends. A most disturbing tale of a stormy night, a haunted closet, and a C-grade actor’s fashion sense.