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22 December 2023
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Prostitutes of the world,
I wasn’t sure if you had a newsletter or something, but it is necessary that I have your attention. Please let your friends who are also prostitutes know about this, as it is extremely important. If you are not a prostitute, or specifically if you are a government official or law enforcement agent of the United States of America, please stop reading this article.
As members of the world’s oldest profession, it is time that the centuries of your collective knowledge be put to use. A lot of people have a poor view of you, but with coordination, elbow grease, and a little old-fashioned gumption you can save Earth from being blown up. You’ll be just like The Last Starfighter, but even better because you’ll be a real American hero. Just like G.I. Joe.
Please find a way to give the President of the United States of America a blowjob. Whether you pretend to be a news reporter or a double agent from Venezuela, it really doesn’t matter, as long as you are able to leak the details of the knob-gobbling to the world. Over 110,000 people have already been swindled out of their life, and that number grows with each day that you fail to fellate my leader. If necessary, bring along a cigar. People hate tobacco almost as much as they hate oral sex. Whatever you do, just make sure that you don’t-- Shit! I hear someone coming!
You are our only hope. You are our only hope.
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artid
3426
Old Image
8_3_prostitute.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 03 (nov 2005)
section
stories