admin
22 December 2023
Christmas means a lot of things to a lot of people. Not the Jews, though. They have their own thing, which frankly, seems a whole heck of a lot better than what we got. They get seven days of presents. We only get one. Gotta hand it to the Jews on that one.
For me, the greatest gift of all is the one God gave us over 2,000 years ago: a gift named Jesus.
Jesus was born in a little desert town called Bethlehem. His mother, Mary, was traveling via donkey with her then-husband Joseph. Despite being pregnant with the future King of Kings, Mary was in fact a virgin, which just goes to show you that even abstinence can’t prevent happy little accidents.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: \"Virgins can’t be pregnant.\"
This one can. She was bearing God’s seed. Not Joseph’s. God doesn’t need to be all up in you to knock you up. He just sends an angel down to be all like, \"A-la peanut butter sandwiches!\" And presto-- you have a kid.
Back to the desert, Joe and Mary needed a place to stay for the night. The donkey was getting tired, and so was the mule she rode in on. Unfortunately, they didn’t book a room in advance, and every hotel they entered turned them away. Except the Holiday Inn. The Holiday Innkeeper didn’t have a room to offer, but did have an old barn out back that they could stay in, free of charge.
Joseph was totally stoked. The last thing he wanted to do was pony up more cash for this whore wife of his that was now carrying someone else’s child.
So, Joe and Mary settled into the barn. For the first hour or two, Mary complained and complained. Then she started having contractions so painful, she didn’t seem to care about the fact that she was sleeping on sheep anymore.
Well, a few hours later, out comes this baby. Totally glowing, kind of like an alien, but not, because he’s not an alien, he’s Jesus. Joseph starts smoking, because now he has another mouth to feed. Mary is all, \"Oh, he’s so cute\" and stuff. And for some reason, these three kings of Orient are, are at the door.
\"The who?\" Joseph asked.
The three whys, man:
1. Why\'d she have some other dude\'s baby?
2. Why\'re you still hanging around when it ain\'t your kid?
3. And why were you taking a donkey ride through the desert anyway?
Joseph and his newfound panic attack let the three Orientals in, hopped on that damn donkey, and galloped off into the night sky. Mary, not wanting to bear the burden of raising a baby alone, swapped ol’ Hay-soos to the three Orientals in exchange for some gold, Frank Incense, and Smurf.
The three men then went on to raise baby Jesus together, and their story was made into a major motion picture some 2,000 years later, called Three Men And A Baby (starring Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson-- none of whom are Oriental).
Guess we gotta hand it to the Jews on that one, too.
artid
3439
Old Image
8_4_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 04 (dec 2005)
section
stories