FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,

Last week we hired this new woman to work in accounting. From the moment I saw her I found myself attracted to her. Well, after a few friendly chats I asked her out to dinner at this chic new fusion place down the street from the office. In the back of my head I thought it would be one of those things where I show up at the restaurant and she doesn’t, and then she gives me the runaround for the next couple of weeks. Well, to my great fortune, she was there at seven o’clock exactly. We were seated and given menus, bread, water, etc....

Franklin, I don’t know why I’m telling you all these details; let me just fast forward.

After we ordered the entrées, the waiter asked us if we would like any wine with our meal. Well, I don’t know much about wine, so I let Sheila decide. She simply asked what would go best with the meal we had ordered. (We both were having the special: grilled salmon with a peach sage compote, asparagus, and roasted walnut couscous.) Sorry, too many details-- let me fast forward again.

The waiter brings out the wine, uncorks it, and lets her waft the cork. He pours a small glass and she sips it. No sooner is the wine in her mouth than she does a classic spit-take from a Mel Brooks movie all over the waiter, and then she cusses out the waiter for the next ten minutes about how he wouldn’t know the difference between sage and cilantro. We were asked to leave. I’ve stopped taking her calls and have tried to avoid her at the office, but I’ve been thinking I was too harsh. Maybe she was just having a bad day. What do you think?

Handing out second-chance tickets in Portland,

- Dale Everett

Dale,

What do I think? Well, for starters, I’m thinking I could probably save you about $300 a year in not-rewound video fees. When one rewinds or fast forwards, a significant amount of time is supposed to pass, not just one second. Never mind.

Well, that does sound like an unforgettable evening. I don’t care how bad of a day she was having; nobody deserves to be treated like that... including you, Dale. So unless you want to start bringing a digital video camera on your dates to make content for your new website (www.sheilasbitch.com), I wouldn’t advise it. Be strong. There’s bound to be another special someone out there in your bushes.

Franklin,

My girlfriend really thinks you’re funny in some sort of lame, emo way. I just think you’re lame. I mean, you make crackers look moist. Why not try some jokes that aren’t so dry? Then I might write a letter to your column.

Not laughing in Mobile,

- Stanley Knox

Hey, Stanley. Come here a sec. No, a little closer. A little more... okay, now pull my finger. Oh! Hey-oh!

Thanks, everybody! You\'re just too much! So how’s everybody in Mobile tonight? I can’t hear you! Throw your hands up in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care. Did you ever notice your dinner table start to shake when you were eating dinner, and then you noticed you accidentally set the food down on J-Lo’s butt? Alright, Mobile likes to rock! Did you ever notice how stupid those Republicans are? I mean, just take a look at this... huh... I don’t even know where to begin!

Uh... Stanley, I don’t think this is working out for me. It just feels like I’m faking it. I appreciate your candor, but I don’t think I am ever meant to receive one of your letters. Good luck with your girlfriend, though. She sounds nice.