Dear Franklin,
My girlfriend has a moustache. What should I do? It\'s not like mine-- it\'s really sparse, but I think if she let it go for a few weeks it would definitely be more noticeable. I still think she\'s ho-- wait... does this make me gay? Agggh!
- No name (via the Internet)
Yes. Not only are you gay, but when I punch your data into the Super-Gay 9000XT it turns out that you are in fact the gayest of all six billion living humans.
Wow. That is quite a feat. Congratulations!
What is wrong with you people? If you are a man and you lick your girlfriend\'s ass or have anal intercourse with a woman you are not gay. You just like a woman\'s rump. Hell, you could even have sex with a member of your own gender and you still wouldn\'t necessarily be gay. You could just be bisexual.
What is the reason for this whole gay-phobia anyway? There is a difference between noticing that a man is handsome, and wanting to be physically intimate with him. It\'s fucking aesthetics! Sheesh, you should have learned that in elementary school!
So, to the point: there are some hairs growing underneath your girlfriend\'s nose, and this causes a problem how? You said \"if she let them go\", so she is obviously taking care of them, right? So what\'s the problem? As a woman ages she experiences changes in her hormones. One of the results is growing unwanted hair. Another result is an increased sex drive. You are complaining why? It is a completely natural and unavoidable phenomenon.
Look, I\'ve dated a few women who were middle-aged and, yes, they had a few hairs under their noses. But I was as happy as could be! I couldn\'t have cared less! In fact, I even find a women with extra arm hair sexy-- you know, like Mediterranean, Italian, or Greek women. It\'s just hair! In the realm of relationship problems it\'s at the very bottom.
For the past seven years I have been in a coma. You see, it all started when I was exploring a deserted island in the Pacific and fell from a tree while trying to capture a Yellow-Dello for my true love Susan. Luckily, some natives from a nearby island found me and kept me alive until I awoke from my slumber. I don\'t know what happened in those seven years, but I did know one thing: that my love for Susan burned brighter than ever before.
So you can imagine my dismay when I contacted my father and he told me of Susan\'s horrible depression and her plans to marry a man by the name of \"Martin\" in a few days. I met with my aboriginal buddies and they helped me build a vessel to carry me to the mainland. From there, I hitchhiked back to Boston just in time for the ceremony. I patiently waited in the back row for the words \"Speak now or forever hold your peace,\" but the damned pastor never said them. He just went straight to the \"Do you accept this bride?\" business. After they both said \"I do\" I realized I was too late, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. Susan saw me and fainted, and I tried to explain my story to the parishioners, but they were too hungry and antsy to get to the reception.
So I have two questions for you. The first is, when did they start not saying the \"speak now\" part? And second, why couldn\'t the aborigines have just left me for dead?
Crying in my spilt milk in Boston,
- Renaldo Fonseca
Renaldo,
I contacted some clergymen, and it seems they have stopped asking that question in the last few years due mostly to the requests of those to be married. Apparently, the question was never meant to be a part of any ceremony, but was introduced when many brides\' families failed to provide a proper dowry. Since nobody has given any sort of dowry in decades, it just kind of fell by the wayside. Sorry about your luck.
Concerning your second question, I suggest you go to your local video store and rent a charming little film called The Gods Must Be Crazy. It will give you some sort of insight into the aboriginal spirit and spunk.