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22 December 2023
I hope you’re sitting down for this one, because you’re never going to believe what I’m about to say.
Over the past few months I have become somewhat addicted to... (gulp) The 700 Club. Yes, I’m talking about the very same show that features that religious kook Pat Robertson in all of his evangelical better-than-thou glory.
Now, if you’re familiar with me at all you know that I tend to like things that are... ah... let’s call them \"less than good\". \"Shitty\" works, too. Just as most people like things that truly are good because they can’t believe how good they actually are, I tend to like things that are so incredibly bad that I can’t believe they were ever created in the first place. This list includes (but is not exclusive to): talk shows, horror movies, the entire Bush family, etc.
Now, while I would like to be able to pray to Allah and admit that this was the very same reason I’m addicted to The 700 Club, sadly, I can’t. Because my infatuation with The 700 Club (which I will now refer to only as T7C) is a bit more complex than that. Don’t get me wrong, the show is awful. There is no denying that. But there is something utterly charming about it at the same time. It’s so foreign to me that, unlike God to Adam, I can’t place my finger in it. No, I meant to say \"on it\". Wait... no I didn’t.
Anyway, what is it about T7C that is so endearing to me? Could it be the way old Pat shakes his head around like a bobble-head on the Lord’s dashboard? No... but that is cute! Could it be the touching stories they have on every day about some junkie/Democrat/hooker/Satanist that was addicted to crack/sex/booze/Satan and found God just in time to be saved? Hmmm... don’t think so. I’ve heard/experienced all of those before.
So what could it be? What about the biased \"news\" they show, where they have a \"reporter\" talk about some story that’s in the news, only to have it followed up by Pat talking about what God thinks about the news? I must admit, that’s pretty fucking cool. I mean, who would have ever thought that God, of all people, would be so pro-war? I really never knew that God wanted us in Iraq until Pat told me He did. And Pat would know. I mean, that motherfucker must talk to God every day, at least! That nigga is God-crazy!
Oh, by the way, I’m assuming most of you don’t watch T7C as frequently as I do (which means I’ll be lonely in Heaven while you’re all burning in Hell), but I think it’s important that you know how God feels about some of today’s more important news stories, so here goes:
1. God still hates gays. This goes for both men and women. You’d think that He would be cool with lesbians, especially since God is a man and all. But no, He hates lesbos, too.
2. God wishes we’d all stop bickering about this goofy Supreme Court thing already and just hurry up and appoint whomever is going to ban abortion. And gay marriage. And evolution. And Communism.
3. God is none-too-happy about this whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie relationship. First, because He really did like Jennifer Aniston. And second, because Brad and Angelina adopted all of those dark-skinned babies.
4. God wants the Anaheim Angels to win the World Series in 2006, so all you other teams can just fucking forget about it.
5. God said it’s okay to keep spending money on the war in Iraq because we have a bunch of surplus cash left over from the money that we didn’t give to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
That has been your up-to-the-minute God update. I guess that would make it your \"Gupdate\".
Anyway, lemme finally get to my initial joke so I can wrap this puppy up and go to bed.
You see, I love T7C for one segment, and one segment only: \"Bring It On!\" If you’re not familiar with this segment, this is the time at the end of the show when Pat and his creepy cohort answer questions that have been sent in by viewers. Most of the time these questions are moral dilemmas that the follower/zombie is having, and who is more in touch with society and the human spirit than Pat? Nobody.
On one episode, a viewer wrote in explaining that a fellow coworker was trying to convince her to have sex with him. She was single, but he was a married man, and she didn’t know how to get this horny sinner away from her. Luckily, Pat explained to her that the only way to truly avoid the temptation of this man was to quit her job, move out of town, and never have contact with him ever again. Whew! That was a close one!
In another letter, a viewer had the crazy idea that she and her live-in boyfriend should wait until they were a little more financially stable before getting married. Thank the Lord, Pat set her straight and told her that they should get married immediately because otherwise they were living in sin, and that the money thing would \"work itself out\" over time. Man! Moral crisis averted! Praise Jesus!
Yes, these little gems of wisdom and knowledge that Pat hands out on a daily basis are saving lives. He is single-handedly doing the work of thousands of therapists and social workers, and at a fraction of the cost. Of course, you should really be giving money to his corporation-- CBN-- if you want his help, but shouldn’t you be doing that anyway? Exactly.
I’d really like to try my hand at helping people out the way Pat does. I mean, I’m sure I can’t do it as flawlessly as he does it, but I can try, can’t I?
Here, lemme give it a shot:
To Victor who was just diagnosed with HIV: Are you a homosexual? If so, you should swim out to a desert island and never leave. If you’re not a homosexual, you should track down the homosexual that is responsible for giving you HIV, and place them on a desert island.
To Patricia who is contemplating premarital sex with her boyfriend of four years: You should sew up your dirty place so nothing wider than a toothpick will fit in there. Luckily, there will still be plenty of room for me in there. Wait... what?
To my girlfriend in high school that never let me touch her and then got humped by the first guy she saw after dumping my ass: You should seriously consider blowing your brains out. Unless, of course, you’re now fat and depressed and stuck in a marriage you hate with a man you resent, in which case I want you to live as long as humanly possible.
You know, maybe it’s just me, but I really feel like I’m a natural at this! I just helped three people and it took me less than three minutes to do it! Maybe I’m one of the chosen ones!
Wait a minute... T7C... flip the number seven upside-down....
Oh my God! Praise Jesus!
artid
3534
Old Image
8_6_pat.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 06 (feb 2006)
section
stories