Do you see this? This is my serious face. I have something serious to talk to you about. I mean, write about. And quite frankly, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. Mostly because I can’t find my crayon sharpener, and a dull crayon is nobody’s friend. But also because this column’s about something very serious and heavy.
No, not Oprah. I’m talking about the environment.
A long time ago, I was an environment. No, wait-- I fucked that up. I wasn’t an environment. I was an addict. Addicted to alcohol, no less. Believe me, it’s not pretty. And at some point I realized it would be very hard to justify bombing another country in the name of whiskey, so I had to find a new addiction. And I did. Her name is freedom, and, quite frankly, she’s the only addiction worth having. It’s a lot easier to launch a few thousand Patriot missiles in the name of freedom. Plus, you can’t drink freedom, which means I’m a lot less bloated. You are, however, free to drink.
You’re also addicts, my fellow Americans. Don’t front. I said it back in January, and I’ll say it again: you’re all addicted... to fossil fuels.
Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Every week you rush out to the streets looking for a fix. And you pay high street-value prices for it, too. And for what? To be able to drive a car? To heat your home? It’s not worth it. Trust me. I know.
But how can I convince you? I mean, how do you tell a man so set in his ways that his ways are wrong? That, my friends, became my mission.
First stop was The Library of Congress. Now, I had no idea it even existed until Laura took me there. And apparently, there are buildings all over the United States just like it, filled with books you can use and take home at your leisure! Amazing! Next thing you know, they’ll have buildings you can go to to actually buy books.
Anyway, one of the Librarians of Congress pointed me in the direction of the reference section and sat me down with an addictionary. Those things are amazing, too. They have a list of every known addiction, and they define them in great detail. I had some homeless guy read me the section on fossil fuel addiction, and then I bought him a smoke and a pancake for his time.
Armed with an addictionary definition of your problem, I next went to my environmental advisor, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. \"Bunsen,\" I said, \"the American people have a problem. I need you to help me help them get over this hump. Do the humpty-hump. A-do the humpty-hump.\"
And he agreed. So we buckled down in his laboratory and racked our brains, trying to figure out alternative means of fuel.
What did we come up with? Hell if I know. One of the TVs in the lab was playing Return Of The Jedi, and I got sucked in watching it. You ever seen that movie? I wasn’t really into it until the Ewoks showed up to the party. They’re just the cutest little things. They’re like furry grandkids! You show me one person who doesn’t fall in love with the Ewoks, and I’ll show you an Abu Ghraib prisoner who hasn’t been tortured.