Do you hear that, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (and Sean Hannity)? No, of course you don’t. In fact, you couldn’t hear it if you tried. It’s the silence of my swift, deadly fingers as they strike this keyboard; the furious whisper of my glitter-red lips; the soundless murmur of my ninja heart.
Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity), close your eyes-- listen. Do you hear it? Yes, yes you do. That’s it, that’s the sound. Focus on it. Fear it. The hush of a million, vengeful, weeping war widows, you ask? Oh yes-- there is vengeance; but \'tis not war widows. \'Tis the cry of my fists of fury, and they’re weeping for you-- the Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity).
For I am the true champion of the left. And I, Brian Gage-- liberal pansy-- challenge you, The Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity), to a cage match (no holds barred, of course). It is our destiny.
No more will you laugh at liberals, pansies, lefties, queers, and Colmes. No more will you sit in your fortresses of sanctity and cast glares of weakness upon the left, the sissies, the bleeding hearts, and the ACLU.
And as is tradition of such noble battle, I will make things interesting. For as we engage in mortal toil, I shall be wearing nothing-- nothing but a pink tutu, fishnet stockings, and red-glitter lipstick. Insult shall follow your injury, as you crash to the mat, look up to me as your vision fades, and think, \"Dear God... he’s sexy.\"
After your mighty defeat, you may never again feign strength, never again will you dis Colmes-- as you, The Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity) got your asses beat by a limp-wristed pansy wearing nothing but a pink tutu, fishnet stockings, and red, sexy lipstick.
Asunder ye shall be broken. And I will even use the word \"ye\" as ye face my hammer-strikes-- ye being The Senate Republicans-- in the octagon. One by one; state by state; junior to senior; ye (and Sean Hannity) will fall to the blows of my lefty kung fu. Yes, you see me as a limp-wristed lefty, and alas you have fallen victim to the way of the ninja. For every coward sees in the ninja what they fear in themselves.
My training: complete. My round-kick: swift. My lipstick: glitter red. I am ready. You are weak. You are pale. You. You....
To ignore my challenge is to admit your defeat, your fear. For fear ye shall, Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity).
Once the gate is closed, once we are locked in the octagon, the crowd will hush, the spotlight will shine upon my furious hands, my deadly feet, my hot-pink tutu, and you will know frailty. You will know cowardice. You will know what it feels like for the rest of us when you approve crappy bills, confirm Alito (and pick on Colmes night after night).
However, I will not call upon Roe v. Wade. I will not beckon Colmes. No. Instead, I will stand alone: one man, two fists. And I will crush ye, the army of inequity (and Sean Hannity). Even though my ninja skills beckon, I will take neither bow staff, nor throwing star, nor numchucks. I will stand alone-- bare knuckles, raw wit, fishnets-- against you all. Excuse me-- ye all (and Sean Hannity).
You may choose the time. You may choose the ring. But you may not choose your fate, for your fate has already been chosen by my ninja fists; my samurai soul; my Warrior Red CoverGirl lipstick.
I, this humble cross-dressing warrior, have only one demand: that all of you must show. I will not fight, will not unleash the cruor of my pink tutu vengeance until all fifty-five Senate Republicans stand ready to face me in the octagon (and Sean Hannity). And then we shall fight. And then. We. Shall. Fight.
I am waiting: patiently, crouched in the reeds of doom-- waiting to pounce on the frail swan that is the Senate Republicans (and Sean Hannity). Please email me at cagematchaccepted@briangage.com. I, Brian Gage-- liberal warrior, cross-dressing ninja-of-the-left-- am waiting.