admin
22 December 2023
Sorry I’m late. The presidential motorcade ran out of gas, and it took us forever to find a Check Into Cash. I had to get an advance on my paycheck so we could afford to refuel the damn thing. I blew all my spending money paying my taxes. When you make over $700,000, you wind up owing a lot.
I guess I can’t complain, though. Ol\' Sweetdick Cheney raked in something insane, like $8 million. Eight million dollars! Last time I saw that much money I was twenty years younger, investing in desert-flavored ice cream. And no, for once, that wasn\'t a typo. I said desert-flavored ice cream. It lasted all of about eight days. I guess America wasn’t ready for Sand Cactus Crunch, or Pralines \'N\' Heat. I had plans to open a chain of ice cream shops called The Dessert Desert, but when you burn through a cool $8 million and get zero returns, investors stop taking your calls.
It wasn’t so bad, though. I mean, yeah, I was stuck with a warehouse full of ice cream flavors no one would eat. But once I became president, it just took one ring-a-ding-ding to the Pentagon to have all that ice cream dropped on Iraq faster than you can say, \"Sundae, bloody sundae!\"
That must have been the tastiest air strike ever. Or not. I guess those people get to eat desert all the time.
Anyway, don’t worry about The Cheney. He didn’t have to pay out the wazoo. On the contrary, he actually got a return! High-five on that miracle, Jesus!
I tried to talk him into buying the nation a round of gas with that return money, but he just laughed, then buried a few more live puppies in the White House lawn. Sometimes I worry about him.
So, I’m on my own with this one: these damn high gas prices. You have my word, though, America: if there’s price gouging going on, I’ll get a piece of it. Er... I mean, get to the bottom of it. Crap... how about we go get some ice cream and forget all about that last comment? My treat! Who wants some Mint Chocolate Duststorm?
artid
3641
Old Image
8_9_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 09 (may 2006)
section
stories