Dear Franklin,
A couple of months ago my roommate moved out unexpectedly. I put up a few ads and told all my friends I needed a new roommate, but no one responded. After two months, I ran out of money and let the first person who asked about the apartment be my new roommate.
At first, I thought \"Eddie\" was creepy, but last week I found a pubic hair in my jar of peanut butter. I confronted him about this, and he seemed to be concerned and even thought it was gross. I figured that it was a strange coincidence and that it had somehow ended up there accidentally. But last night there was a deep indentation in the jar of peanut butter, as if someone had inserted a pickle into it.
I haven’t confronted \"Eddie\" yet, but I don’t think I can trust him regardless of what excuse he may come up with. Do you think I should tell him this is the reason I want him to leave, or do you think I should tell him I found someone else to be my roommate?
Creeped out in Crawford,
- Mandy Jeanie
Mandy,
I certainly understand why you wouldn’t want a roommate who practices poor hygiene by shedding pubic hairs everywhere, but I don’t quite understand why you would want to kick \"Eddie\" out for having unusual eating habits.
In my experience, people often have strange cravings when they are pregnant. Has \"Eddie\" been vomiting a lot in the mornings? Have you noticed him gaining weight around his stomach? Or has he been particularly moody?
You can’t just go around discriminating against everyone who goes and gets pregnant. There are laws against that. And besides, if it weren’t for pregnancy, you wouldn’t be here to give me grief. If it bothers you so much to have pickle juice in the peanut butter, why don’t you just buy a jar exclusively for \"Eddie\"?
Dear Wayne,
I noticed that you do not have an advice column at TLC. Why is this? Several questions have been plaguing me as of late:
1. Is it true that the last thing you do is crap yourself when you die?
2. Does masturbation lead to blindness? I ask because my grandpa went blind.
3. If you kill one Olsen twin, will one grow back in its place?
4. Why am I unemployed?
5. Should I have known my ex-girlfriend was a whore when she slept with me on our first date? I thought I was special.
6. Are man boobs reversible? I seem to be gaining weight in my chest as I age.
7. If you crap in the woods, aren’t you really crapping in some animal\'s home?
Dear sir,
Do you also try and buy hamburgers from your hardware store? I mean, why would you send so many advice questions if it was your belief that there was no advice columnist? Who the hell did you think would answer them?
Normally, I would only answer one question per letter in an effort to give everyone a chance. But in your case I will answer one question. (Still think you’re special?) Let’s see here... it looks like there are a few I am qualified to answer. The masturbation one has been done a couple of times already. The girlfriend one is pretty good, but I would need more info. I\'ll tackle the man boobs question.
Man boobs were originally invented in the early Eighties by a clothing manufacturer named Member’s Only, and they are definitely reversible. If memory serves me correctly, there should be a zipper on the left-hand side that you can undo. Then, just pull the material inside-out and re-zip. The only problem is that there usually is a lame pattern on the inside, like light-blue plaid, which really doesn’t match with all that much. I could never understand why the inside wasn’t just another solid color.
So, yes, man boobs are reversible, but they really aren’t all that practical.