Normally, this column is for everyone. I write it for you, dear readers, because I love you so much. And because you’ll listen. Or read. Or whatever.
Anyway, this month’s installment is a little different, though. Yes, this month’s \"Wayne Says...\" is being written for an audience of one. And that one is you: Mr. Brad Pitt.
Now, I have to admit that I am not really up on my tabloid tales. To be quite honest, the only tabloid I occasionally browse through is the Weekly World News, as I find it to have the most believable stories. (Bat Boy is fucking real, y’all! He’s not a joke!) So I’m not really that aware as to which celebrity is giving what other celebrity which STD this month. As a somewhat compassionate person, I believe that it is a celebrity’s right to leave their private life private. Who am I to judge if Gwen Stefani is a meth addict (True! My uncle nailed her once!), or if Jamie Lee Curtis has a penis (Also true! She nailed my uncle once!), or if Damon Wayans is actually a white actor in black face (For sure! My uncle was his makeup artist!)? I mean, we all have our own dirty little secrets, right? Right.
But I couldn’t help but take notice of this article that was recently featured in an issue of People. (My mother reads People, and I sometimes steal away to the bathroom with it when I’m feeling a number two come on.) According to People, Brad, you have left everybody’s best friend, Rachel, and traded her in for a newer model: Lara Croft.
First off, congratulations! I can’t say I blame you. Lara is hot! But let’s look at your past here. Over the past decade you have slept with Gwenyth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie. And that’s not even including the women I don’t know about. Now, this isn’t to say that you don’t deserve the women you’ve had. You’re rich, you’re famous, and you’re fucking hot! I mean... that’s what all of my gay friends tell me. So yeah, you’re entitled.
But come on, man! Give the rest of us average-looking, maybe-slightly-balding, somewhat-hairy guys a chance! You’re like the guy that goes to the grocery store and buys up all the good produce as soon as they put it out on the shelf! You’re not the only guy on Earth that appreciates a flawless orange, my friend! And that brings me to my point.
I’m not asking to have my pick before you. You’re a ten, Brad, and I am but a lowly... nine and a half. And besides, you could kick my ass. I saw Fight Club. But I\'d like to think that I speak for all of the straight and liberal men of the world when I say that a goodwill gesture would be appreciated.
I know what you’re thinking: \"But how, Wayne? What could I possibly do to make it up to you? And where do you get all of those fly polyester shirts?\"
And here’s what I’m thinking: \"When you give them their walking papers, just slip my phone number and address to them. And the Salvation Army, Brad. I never buy clothing that someone hasn’t already died in.\"
Would it really be so hard to let them know that there is another good man, a gentle and kind man out there that is more than willing to help them cope with their loss of you? I can be quite helpful to them, in fact. I’ll buy them flowers and tell them they’re pretty and try not to tune them out too much when they come to me with their crybaby girlie bullshit. I can be that man, Brad. And I will be.
So if a shoulder to cry on or a knob to gobble on is what they need, I will be there. My contact information is on this site, so you know how to get in touch with me.
And if Gwenyth or Jennifer happen to come across this on the Net, I wanted to let you know that Brad Pitt is just a horrible and evil man, and I can’t believe how he treated both of you! I would never do you like that. I’m here for you. Both. Preferably at the same time. If you’re into that sort of thing.
So thanks for taking the time to read this, Brad. Oh, and sorry about the nasty stuff I just said about you. I don’t really feel that way. I know you’re a good guy. One hell of a guy, in fact. The man. So keep up the good work, brotha. And remember to fork over that freaky little sex minx when you’re done with her. I’ll be waiting....