CLICK HERE AND ORDER PRINT ISSUE #9 TO READ MORE DAMN FUNNY ARTICLES IN OUR STORIES SECTION!
Dear Franklin,
I just returned from a retirement village in Florida where everyone was wearing someone else\'s hair and complaining that the matching roses in the village garden weren\'t growing fast enough. This was the main topic at their monthly association meeting.
Well anyway, Franklin, I decided to buy a condo in M\'waukee, and guess what? Folks complain during monthly meetings that spiders are hanging around on the outside of the building! And one even mentioned that the roses don\'t match on the terrace! And, of course, there is the usual bitching about dog poop cluttering the grass out front. Actually, the worker assigned to pick up the stuff looks fairly hot. I\'m just so sick of the spiders-and-roses agenda. Should I approach the dog poop guy?
- Rita Strawworth, M\'waukee
Rita,
Let me first offer some advice on your monthly meetings before I get into the meat of your question. There are several options that you may want to consider.
First off, you could simply not go to the meetings. If your attendance is required, try simply wearing earplugs or a headset tuned to a nice classical or jazz station. If these fail, try steering the minutes of the meeting away from the mundane topics of spiders and roses, and onto something positively crazy. I would emphasize the crazy aspect of the scheme in order to get the residents so befuddled that they are too worried to talk about their boring lives. Try getting the residents to put on a bake sale to fund the final stages of your world-dominating weather machine, or some such nonsense. You may find it near impossible to wake up earlier than the proverbial early bird (read: \"crazy old people\"), so I would say that you may just want to stay up all night.
In regards to the strapping young man who attends to the fecal matter, go for it. Remember, you aren\'t twenty anymore. A rejection won\'t send you on an ice cream binge, or make you think the end of civilization is at hand. You\'re smarter than that now. So with nothing to fear there is only something to gain; something I believe the young people would refer to as \"getting it on\".
Good luck. And if things work out, it may be best for your ego if you start referring to him as a \"landscape engineer\".
Dear Franklin,
Last month I finally received my shipment of ExtendoRod 7000 from your company. I am disappointed with the results I have seen after three weeks of use, and am concerned about an incessant burning pain around my testicles. Please refund my money in full.
- Name withheld
Dear Sir,
At least I’m assuming you are a man, unless you... uh... never mind. I’m going to continue that assumption.
I regret to inform you that the product you are writing about has been discontinued. It wasn\'t selling very well, and there were a few people who complained about that testicle burning thing. But mostly, the oil we were getting from inside those volcanoes turned out to be impossible to retrieve after their eruptions.
Technically, I shouldn\'t say anything further until I call my lawyer. However, I think you are going to like the new reformulated 8000XT much more, so I am willing to give you a free month’s supply with your first order. So call now!
CLICK HERE TO ORDER PRINT ISSUE #9, WHICH FEATURES THIS ARTICLE AND MANY MORE!