Dearest Furter,
Several weeks ago I visited a sex shop and popped plenty for a studly blow-up doll. The problem is, he won\'t stay inflated! Every time I get set to go, he shrivels down to nada. The tag sez he\'s \"made in Afghanistan & is guaranteed to perform for 1 year.\" Do you think this is an act of terror?
Disappointed in M\'waukee,
Eunice E. Eunice
Eunice,
I\'m curious, exactly how much did you have to poop to get the doll I mean geesh didn\'t they accept cash? Wait, I read that wrong, never mind. Well that is a problem. Maybe the doll is just nervous because he is uncertain on the state of world affairs, I mean we did bomb his country pretty heavily and who knows how long he\'s been in that box? It could also be that he\'s shy and needs to get to know you a little better first, I mean if I was just pulled out of a box into a strange land I might not be too concerned about having sex either. Have you tried talking to him about the problem or maybe wearing a nice piece of lingerie? If these things don\'t work I would suggest you take the manufacturer up on their guarantee. And next time please buy American, that could be your neighbor\'s job you are shipping overseas or even worse, mine. Hmm, on second thought neither I nor anyone in this country makes sex toys, it wouldn\'t be cost effective what with having to pay for all the therapy. Good luck Eunice!
Dear Franklin,
My boyfriend is absolutely obsessed with pornography. He has pictures stapled all over the walls and spends more on DVD\'s than he does on food. At first I tried to go along with his behavior but I realized that I just don\'t like porn that much. I can\'t stand all those fake breasts and all the anal sex, I mean whatever happened to vaginal sex anyway? I am going to break up with him so I don\'t need your advice but this was the first time I had a problem and I really wanted to write you because sometimes you are pretty funny. Hold on, uhh I mean what should I do Franklin?
I live in a town called Silver Springs,
Jess Morgan
Jess, let\'s have a serious talk about something. Maybe we could talk about politics or maybe we could chat about abortion or here\'s an idea why don\'t we talk about the value of my time. You see Jess I am a very busy individual and do not really have the luxury of leisure time to entertain you. In fact I would prefer giving my time to help people who actually need my help, like Eunice. Maybe you could learn a lesson from her: do not patronize the advice columnist and maybe he\'ll say something funny. Because sometimes love is tough I\'m not going to say anything funny. And I assure you this is hurting me more than it is you since I had this great line comparing this situation to feeding the gorillas at the zoo. There was even some bathroom humor, you know the kind that involves gorillas smearing themselves with their own... ah, ah, ah, you\'re not going to get it out of me that easy. So yes, of course, dump your boyfriend and spend all that newly found free-time getting involved with someone only mildly demented and perhaps I can help you out when the time is right. Maybe you can even come up with a more interesting way to sign your name as well.
Jess, let\'s have a serious talk about something. Maybe we could talk about politics or maybe we could chat about abortion or here\'s an idea why don\'t we talk about the value of my time. You see Jess I am a very busy individual and do not really have the luxury of leisure time to entertain you. In fact I would prefer giving my time to help people who actually need my help, like Eunice. Maybe you could learn a lesson from her: do not patronize the advice columnist and maybe he\'ll say something funny. Because sometimes love is tough I\'m not going to say anything funny. And I assure you this is hurting me more than it is you since I had this great line comparing this situation to feeding the gorillas at the zoo. There was even some bathroom humor, you know the kind that involves gorillas smearing themselves with their own... ah, ah, ah, you\'re not going to get it out of me that easy. So yes, of course, dump your boyfriend and spend all that newly found free-time getting involved with someone only mildly demented and perhaps I can help you out when the time is right. Maybe you can even come up with a more interesting way to sign your name as well.
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